During Tough Times How Much To Tell Kids

By Katia Hetter
July 17, 2009

When a parent gets laid off or finances get so tight that summer camp is out, how do we  handle that change in lifestyle with our kids? Whether you’ve lost a job or are heading back to work to help pay a higher mortgage, stressed out parents are struggling to explain the changes to their children.

Take a page from Stacey Spitz’s playbook. Be positive, innovative and truthful — to a point. The Livingston, N.J. mom lost her job in real estate human resources in March. Spitz, a divorced mother of two, pooled her unemployment, alimony, child support and savings to stave off worry while she looks for full-time work.

She told her children, ages 8 and 10, that their frequent trips to the local ice cream parlor and clothing stores would be less frequent. But she replaced those events with  home-based movie nights and clothing swaps so her kids could still have “new” clothes.
 

“I’m a big believer in positive energy and putting it out there, even at the worst times,” she said. “If my kids saw me freaking out, they might be more concerned. But I know I’m going to be OK.”
Focus on quality time. Although kids often say they “need” the latest video game or name-brand jeans, what they really need is to feel secure and loved. Watch a favorite TV show together or take an after-dinner bike ride. Invite their friends over for a pizza-making party. Even talking while folding laundry,  together can be quality time.

 “There should be lots of hugs and ‘I love you’s,’ ” says Julie Potischman, a Roseland, N.J. psychotherapist.
Reassure your children. If you need to cut back on spending but your job and home seem secure, explain that buying store brands instead of brand names allows the family to spend more on other things. If you have to replace vacations with “staycations,”  pack them with free local events so the children see that everyone can still have fun.If your children ask questions about your job search, answer them — briefly.

They need to know that you’re working to get back on track but they don’t need to know everything. “My kids want to know what I’m doing during the day, and I explain about networking and job websites and not burning bridges,” Spitz says. If you’re in danger of losing your job or your home, you can’t necessarily promise your children that everything will stay the same. But you can promise them that you will always take care of them. Postpone any serious adult conversation until the little ones are asleep.
Stay cool. Even babies and toddlers pick up on stress so keep a positive attitude. Brooklyn mom Susan Menk lost her job as creative director at an architecture and interior design firm in January. She and her husband had to postpone pre-school and cut most of the babysitter’s hours. Buying a home is on hold.

But she hides her stress from her son and focuses on art projects and taking him to sing-a-longs and other free events. “He likes that I’m here, and I’m enjoying getting to know him more and bonding with him, ” she says.
 

It’s OK to say no. Whether you need to cut back now or not, it’s a good time to teach your children that they can’t have every toy they want, says Potischman, who is already talking to her children, ages 2 and 4, about limits and saving.
Show them how to save their allowance and gift money for things they want. Maybe your children will catch the entrepreneurial bug, as Spitz’s 8-year-old daughter and a friend did on a recent hot spring day. They ran a lemonade stand and each made $10 after expenses.
Make compromises.  Local community centers and the YMCA often offer affordable day camp options. If the travel costs aren’t too expensive, Grandma and Grandpa or another relative might take the kids for a “summer camp” week. Or organize a homemade summer camp with other parents.

Each parent can coordinate a day of affordable entertainment at the local community pool or other fun spot. (Look at our Mid-Winter Break  story for ideas) Your group might even consider hiring responsible teenagers or college students in your area to help lead your  camp.

 If mom needs a paycheck. If you have to return to work, make it sound like an opportunity. Remind them that “Mommy is a very talented [fill in the blank] who is excited about helping other people,” Potischman says. Even if the work doesn’t excite you, teach them to respect work that allows you to support your family. Spend quality time with your children so they can adjust to you working outside the home.
 

Reach out for help. Like Spitz, you can organize clothing swaps in your neighborhood and lean on your mother and friends for support. Participate in neighborhood softball games, bring-your-own-dogs grilling parties and babysitting exchanges. And if you need work, don’t be shy. Spread the word among your family, friends, religious leaders, neighbors and social networking websites. And reach out to other adults for support, too.

“Parents need to work together at facing their fears and insecurities as adults without projecting them onto their children,” says Potischman.
 

When your children are adults, they might remember the summer their parents cut back on expenses, but if you do it right, they’ll recall how you managed the crisis by having inexpensive fun while making them feel loved and secure. And when the next financial downturn occurs, they’ll be able to teach their children the same lessons.

Editor’s Note: Julie Potischman is a licensed psychotherapist at Roseland Psychotherapy Associates in Roseland, N.J. She’s also the resident psychotherapist at http://www.myworkbutterfly.com, a website designed to help moms who want or need to return to the work force.

Brooklyn-based journalist Katia Hetter helps teens tell their stories at Youth Communication http://www.youthcomm.org

 She has also written for The New York Times, Entertainment Weekly, Babycenter.com, Newsday and U.S. News & World Report.

We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com
 

Source: Rachael Ray

“The Talk”: Body Image

by Paula Silverman
July 18, 2009

When grandchildren are unhappy with their looks, help them to love themselves just the way they are.

This is the first in a series of articles in which experts will advise grandparents on talking about serious issues with their grandchildren. Upcoming articles will focus on issues including drug use and dating.

“My grandchildren are absolutely perfect,” says Marie DeGuara, 69, of Bay Shore, N.Y., the grandmother of 19-year-old Amanda and 16-year-old Anthony. “There’s nothing wrong with them.” It’s not unusual, of course, for grandparents to believe their grandchildren are perfect. Most wouldn’t change a hair on their grandkids’ heads — which is why it can be so upsetting when a grandchild says he or she wants a nose job as a high-school graduation present, or another wishes she could get breast implants.

An Epidemic of Insecurity

Several recent reports have found that the widespread availability of plastic surgery and the pervasive influence of reality shows focused on surgical makeovers may be having a profound effect on the self-esteem of young people, especially girls. According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the number of cosmetic surgeries performed on people 18 and younger rose from 59,890 in 1997 to 205,119 in 2007. The most common procedure was rhinoplasty (a nose job), but there were also 9,295 liposuction procedures in the age group in 2007, and 7,882 breast augmentations; the latter procedure was being performed on teens six times more often than in 1997.

A recent survey of more than 1,000 girls in the United States, ages 8 to 17, sponsored by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund — which has a partnership with the Girl Scouts of the USA — found that 70 percent of the girls felt that their appearance did not “measure up”; only 10 percent said they believed they were “pretty enough.”

 

How You Can Help Them

Experts say it can be easier for grandparents — who are not caught up in the daily stresses of teens’ lives, and whose opinions teens may respect more than those of other adults — to step in and bolster their grandchildren’s self-esteem and even talk them out of plans for plastic surgery. Encouraging, well-timed words from a grandparent can give a grandchild more confidence than plastic surgery ever could. Here are some tips to help navigate the rocky terrain of body image with your teenage grandchildren:

 

Know what’s happening. To be an effective influence, you must be informed about your grandchildren’s lives, the challenges they face, and the influences on them. Don’t assume that things are the same as when your kids were teens — in the 1970s and 1980s, there were no TV shows like MTV’s I Want a Famous Face, which follows 12 young people seeking plastic surgery to look more like their celebrity idols.

There are many reasons why teens feel the need to change their appearance, but it often boils down to low self-esteem and poor body image. For that reason, the most effective steps grandparents can take are simply devoting more time and positive attention to their grandchildren. “You can develop a trusting relationship by quietly observing their likes and dislikes and noting their favorite TV shows, celebrities, and music — without critiquing,” advises psychologist Erik Fisher, author of The Art of Empowered Parenting: The Manual You Wish Your Kids Came With (Ovation, 2007). “Then ask your grandchildren, ‘What attracts you to those people? Do you like the way  they dress? The way they look?’ Ask your grandkids how they feel about the way that they look. If they shy away, don’t push. They may come to you later when they feel more comfortable. Let them know that you realize that growing up in today’s world can be tough, and you want to be someone they can talk to.”

 

Slow them down. If grandchildren confide in you that they are considering radical cosmetic procedures, discuss with them how this is not a decision that they should make impulsively. By encouraging them to sit down and think it through, you can play a major role in helping them make informed choices. “Hormonally, teens are all over the map — their brain development is not at a place where they can evaluate themselves and do a good job of predicting outcomes of choices,” says Annie Fox, an online advisor for teens and the author of Middle School Confidential: Be Confident in Who You Are (Free Spirit, 2008). “Therefore, they’re more likely to make choices they’ll later regret, from their need for peer approval. Grandparents can be a wonderful antidote to the stresses of peer group, school, and home, as they are less likely to have ‘carved-in-stone’ expectations of the child. Grandparents also have fewer short-term expectations than parents, so it’s easier for the child to just ‘be’ with a grandparent.”

 

Be an oasis of acceptance. “Your response to a teen is vital,” says Alice Aspen March, author of Attention: It’s the Problem, It’s the Solution. March, who helped her own granddaughter as she struggled with weight fluctuations, says, “If people think that they’re not loved because of how they look, it’s a serious problem. My granddaughter was very thin. Then she put on considerable weight and didn’t know what to do. She’d discuss her insecurities with me, saying ‘I’m so fat,’ and I’d respond very low key. I’d ask, ‘What would you like to hear from me? How can I help?’

“I know I helped,” March says, “because she kept coming back. She needed to be in my space, because she felt she was accepted. A grandmother can talk about her own body, and what she went through as a teen, so she connects with her grandchild on the inside. My own grandmother played a huge role in helping me feel good about myself, by giving unconditional love.”

 

When They Still Want Surgery

But how do you respond when a healthy, normal-size grandchild insists that she needs liposuction because she thinks she’s too fat? “It’s important to realize that you can’t argue with an adolescent’s reality,” says Dr. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon (Da Capo, 2001). “Present your position in a nonconfrontational way — You may be right, but that’s not the way I see it; What makes you think that?; Tell me more about your thoughts on the issue. Help them think through their reality and in the process, help them gain a more objective perspective.”
 
When a tween feels insecure about looks, athletic ability, or school performance, says Fox, you don’t need to talk about it directly. Simply work to create an ongoing, positive relationship in which your grandchildren can feel good about themselves. “Catch a child in the act of doing something right,” Fox advises. “Offer realistic and specific feedback like, ‘I really liked how you helped your sister do her homework.’ Don’t just say, ‘You’re a great kid.’ Young adults become self-confident when they’re given a task and responsibility. Show appreciation. Give them the opportunity to try something and do it well and be acknowledged for it.”

 

More Ways to Help Granddaughters

Other ways you can help a granddaughter build self-confidence include sharing books with her like Our Bodies, Ourselves (Touchstone, 2005); encouraging her to exercise and eat a healthy diet, which should make her feel better about herself from head to toe; and shopping with her for a new outfit or taking her on a salon trip for a new hairstyle — making relatively minor improvements and adjustments to one’s appearance can have a great impact on self-esteem.

Find more expert advice on teens and body image from the Center for Young Women’s Health, The InSite, Girls Inc., Uniquely Me, and breastimplantinfo.org.

Source: Grand Parents

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Signs of Readiness for the Potty

By: Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D
July 18, 2009

First, some perspective for frazzled parents: Every healthy child is successfully potty trained. In the long run, the age at which she masters these particular skills doesn’t matter. It’s not a reflection of your skills as a parent or your love for her. Doing it earlier doesn’t mean she’s smarter or more coordinated or will get into an Ivy League school.
But if you start potty training before your child is biologically and emotionally ready, you’re both going to become frustrated and upset. It will also drag out the process because it’s likely to turn into a battle of wills-a battle that parents never win. That’s why it’s a good idea to know the signs that she’s probably going to be successful before you start.
Most children become potty trained between 18 and 30 months. However, some children still struggle with the skills when they’re 4 years old. But if you look closely, your child will tell you with her behavior that she’s probably ready to begin.

For example:

• Does she have bowel movements at a fairly predictable time? Does she let you know through words or behaviors that she’s aware that she’s having one?
• Can she pull down and pull up her pants?
• Does she show an interest in the bathroom and what other people do in it?
• Can she walk over to and sit down on the potty by herself?
• Has she started saying “No!” to you? Does she like to have at least some of her toys in certain special places? This shows that she’s interested in controlling things in her environment.
• Does she know what “wet” and “dry” mean?
• Does she respond to praise and want to please you?

If your child shows most of these behaviors, she may be ready to begin. We can help you with some ways to start.

 Remember, never try to potty train a child during a time of stress, such as when your family is moving or going on vacation, or when the child is sick. If it doesn’t seem to be working, take a break and try again in a few weeks or months. It will happen; just give it time.

Source: Pampers

Editor’s Note: We would like to hear your story and what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Vanessa’s Story: Getting past regression

Do the First Kids Do Their Chores?

By Rachel L. Swarns
July 18, 2009

 

Editor’s Note: This story was first published by the New Times  in  Feb. 22, 2009.  We think that is is worth publishing again. Barclay Walsh and Jodi Kantor contributed reporting.

We would like to know what you think? dan@goldcoastchronicle.com

 

CONSIDER the perils of parenting in the White House.

There is a movie theater, a bowling alley, a horseshoe pit, a swimming pool, five full-time chefs and dozens of household staff members ready to dish up ice cream at all hours. There are trips to foreign lands, dinners with kings and celebrities, swarming paparazzi and blaring motorcades, all with the potential to transform sweet little children into bossy, self-important ones. (Or lonely, dysfunctional ones.)

What are presidential parents to do?

Lay down the law, according to the newest parental unit in the executive mansion. President Obama and his wife, Michelle, might not be in Chicago anymore, but they say the old rules still apply when it comes to their daughters, Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7.

In the Obama White House, bedtime is still at 8 p.m. The girls still set their own alarm clocks and get themselves up for school in the morning. They make their own beds and clean their own rooms. And when the much-anticipated pet arrives, they will walk the dog and scoop its poop.

“That was the first thing I said to some of the staff when I did my visit,” Mrs. Obama said in an interview with ABC News, describing her talks with White House employees. “Don’t make their beds. Make mine. Skip the kids. They have to learn these things.”

Even as Mr. Obama tackles the recession and Mrs. Obama embraces the role of first lady, the Obamas are finding their footing as parents in the White House. They strive, and even struggle at times, to balance the intense public interest in their family with their desire to preserve a sense of normalcy and privacy in the lives of their daughters, according to relatives, friends and television and magazine interviews with the Obamas themselves.

Mr. Obama is a modern-day dad who leaves the Oval Office for dinner with his girls, rarely misses a parent-teacher conference or piano recital and prides himself on having read all seven books in the Harry Potter series aloud with Malia.

Mrs. Obama juggles play dates and homework with speeches to federal agencies and students. Both are committed to keeping their daughters grounded, their friends and aides say.

“Those are some special girls, and everyone is rooting for them to make it through this intact,” Craig Robinson, Mrs. Obama’s brother, said in an interview.

The president echoed that sentiment. “Right now, they’re not self conscious. You know, they don’t have an attitude,” Mr. Obama said on CBS News. “And I think one of our highest priorities over the next four years is retaining that.”

The Obamas have long believed that rules and routine help children thrive, particularly during unsettling times. During the presidential campaign, Mrs. Obama stuck so firmly to the 8 p.m. bedtime rule that Mr. Obama sometimes had to scramble to catch his daughters awake.

“Michelle won’t keep them up just to talk to their father,” Valerie Jarrett, a senior adviser to the president and a family friend, told The New York Times in 2007. “Bedtime is part of their normalcy. It isn’t going to be interrupted because he’s at a fund-raiser.”

But as every parent knows, there are rules, and then there is reality.

SO while the Obamas place a high premium on healthy, organic foods, the girls eat cake at birthday parties and often indulged in ice cream and other snacks on the campaign trail.

They limit television, but do not restrict viewing to the Discovery Channel. (The girls have been big fans of “American Idol,” “Hannah Montana” and the Cheetah Girls.)

They take turns saying grace at dinner, but have not gone to church every Sunday in recent years. There is no spanking, but lots of discussion about actions and consequences.

Mr. Obama said he tried to give Malia a regular allowance — $1 a week — but that fell by the wayside during the hectic presidential campaign. Still, he insists that the first lady, known among her friends as the taskmaster, is not the sole disciplinarian. “I’m not a softie,” Mr. Obama said during the ABC interview, in which he said that his wife could certainly “holler at them a little bit.”

Susan Davis, one of Mrs. Obama’s friends, said the Obamas have tried hard to keep their daughters from becoming spoiled or self-important. “They don’t act entitled,” she said. “They just seem like kids.”

What the Obamas want most, friends and relatives say, is for their little girls to continue to feel like little girls. So Mrs. Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, has moved in, and the girls will keep up with their regular activities, said Susan Sher, an adviser to the president and one of Mrs. Obama’s close friends.

Mrs. Obama, Ms. Sher said, is “someone who sees the humor and likes to joke. Fun is very important.”

The Obamas are guided by their own experiences. Mr. Obama, who grew up without his father, has described his determination to be an active force in his children’s lives. Mrs. Obama flourished in a stable two-parent household that valued structure and routine.

Since both came from families that struggled financially at times, they emphasize that good things don’t always come easily. And over the years, Mrs. Obama has stressed the importance of manners and compassion.

Still, history suggests that raising happy, well-adjusted and well-behaved children in the White House is no easy task.

President Carter, a strong advocate of public education, enrolled his daughter, Amy, 9, in public school, but she was initially very lonely, according to journalists who covered her. President Theodore Roosevelt coped with the antics of his teenage daughter Alice, who was derided as “a scarlet woman” for smoking in public and partying late at night. President Grover Cleveland’s wife, Frances, was pilloried for closing the south grounds of the White House so her baby could enjoy sunny days without being kissed by tourists.

Shielding children from the public is harder today with 24-hour news sites, celebrity bloggers, gossip magazines and newspapers all vying for tidbits. The cameras are kind now, but they can be less so as children enter the teenage years.

“It’s not going to be normal — it can’t be normal,” Doug Wead, a former Bush family adviser, said of the Obama girls’ childhood.

“All of their best efforts are not going to change the fact that being a child of a president presents unique challenges,” said Mr. Wead, the author of “All the Presidents’ Children: Triumph and Tragedy in the Lives of America’s First Families.”

Mr. Wead said that children of presidents often struggle to determine which friends are true friends and to establish an identity separate from that of their parents, an issue that often lingers long after the family leaves 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The Obamas, who want to create a more open, accessible White House, have wrestled with how much they should open up about their family. They allowed the girls to be interviewed on “Access Hollywood” in July and later said they regretted it.

They discussed parenting on television, and Mrs. Obama and her girls posed for a photo that landed on the cover of US Weekly this month. But the first lady also pressured the company Ty Inc. into pulling its Sasha and Malia dolls from the market, and her aides discourage reporters from writing in detail about the girls. Mr. and Mrs. Obama declined to comment for this article.

The balancing act is not uncommon to presidential families, who are famously reluctant to talk about their child-rearing in the White House. (The Clintons and the Carters — the most recent families with young children — also declined requests for interviews.) But some former first children emphasize that life in the White House can be extraordinary.

President George W. Bush’s daughters, Barbara and Jenna, described sliding down banisters when their grandfather was president and dining with royalty when their father led the country. “It is a magical place at any age,” they wrote in an open letter to the Obama girls. Indeed, Mrs. Obama is looking forward to traveling with her daughters and showing them the world, her aides say.

And after a grueling presidential campaign, Mr. Obama says fatherhood has rarely felt sweeter.

“It turns out I’ve got this nice home office,” Mr. Obama said in an interview on NBC this month. “And at the end of the day, yeah, I can come home, even if I’ve got more work to do, I can have dinner with them,” the president said. “I can help them with their homework. I can tuck them in. If I’ve got to go back to the office, I can.”

Source: NY Times

Happy Birthday, Tai Shan

By NB Kids
July 18, 2009

One of the big attractions at Washington, D.C.’s National Zoo is Tai Shan, a giant panda. He was born at the zoo in 2005, and has been delighting visitors ever since. Tai Shan turns four today, and his fans have been leaving birthday messages on the National Zoo’s website.

To celebrate his birthday, the zoo’s staff made Tai Shan a birthday “cake,” but it’s really more like a Popsicle. The ingredients are water, bamboo, and beets. Yummy!

Send Tai Shan a birthday wish on the National Zoo’s website.

Learn more about Tai Shan and the zoo’s other giant pandas on the National Zoo’s website.

Get facts about giant pandas on National Geographic Kids.

 

 

Source: National Geographic Kids

Editor’s Note: The photo cortesy Mehan Murphy Smithsonian’s National Zoo.

We would like to hear from you if you have seen Tai Shan and would like to share your story. dan@youngchronicle.com

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