Christmas without Going Broke
December 13, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Human Interest
By Jim Liebelt
Dec. 8, 2009
The consequences of the recent economic crisis have hit many families hard. Sure, there have been economic downturns before that have affected many. But, in my years as an adult, I have never seen such widespread financial impact and uncertainty.
I am reminded that in Christ, there is no reason to be afraid. As Christ-followers, we know that God is still on His throne, and we have much for which we can be thankful.
As we enter in upon the Christmas season, all of the economic bad news ought not to affect our celebration that “Unto us a Child is born. Unto us a Son is given.”
But this Christmastime, perhaps more than any other in our lifetimes, we need to be wise in our approach to our Christmas celebrations and traditions, to ensure that we take economic realities into consideration and put our families in the best posture to weather the difficult financial times we live in.
Here then, are some practical ideas for surviving the holidays without going broke.
Establish a Budget for Christmas Spending. Make a quick list of everyone you feel you need to “gift” this Christmas. Then, take a look at the state of your finances, and decide how much you can afford to spend on Christmas gifts.
Set this amount as your limit. Write it down. Finally, take a look at your gift list again, and begin making some decisions on specific dollar amounts to allocate to each person.
Remember, not every gift needs to be one that has been purchased.
Stick to Your Budget. Christmas tends to bring out the best in people in terms of feelings of generosity toward their loved-ones. But, once you’ve set your Christmas gift budget, stick to it.
Don’t budge. Once you reach your budget limit, you’ll need to say, “That’s all. No more.”
Resist the Urge to Buy on Impulse. One of the biggest reasons people break their Christmas spending budgets is that there is a strong urge for us to buy on impulse.
We go out looking to buy a certain gift for someone. We pick it up in the store and then as we’re headed toward the checkout stand, we see a special super duper sale on turnip twaddle’s and think what a great gift it would make, as well. So, we end up buying something we wouldn’t have otherwise purchased.
I don’t know how to completely avoid having an urge to buy on impulse. But, what we need to remind ourselves of is this: Whomever you purchase an item from has a vested interest in seeing that you buy more.
They’ll advertise, market, and display with their goal, to create that impulse within you to buy, on sight.
Don’t Buy Yourself Anything. According to the last statistic I’ve read, the majority of people who go Christmas shopping end up buying items for themselves. Many don’t take this into account when they set up their Christmas spending budgets.
So, either be smart from the start by including an amount for purchases you want to make for yourself, or, simply choose not to buy yourself anything this year.
Shop for Bargains. In a struggling economy, retailers will be discounting items (but not everything, mind you). Help stretch your dollar by being a comparison shopper. Take advantage of sales.
Lots of bargains can also be found online, and keep in mind that you might actually find your best price there. But, one caveat: Often times, online retailers may give you a real bargain, but charge horrendous amounts for shipping, and in the end, you might even pay more for that item online than if you had purchased it locally.
Finally, there are lots of non-name-brand items that are made with decent quality. So, even if a purchase is not as “cool” without that popular name-brand, during times of economic hardship, non-name-brand items can provide good choices for saving some money.
Pay in Cash. Give the credit cards a rest this Christmas. Pay by cash, check or debit card. Or, as a last resort, only use credit cards for items included in the Christmas spending budget, and pay off amounts charged for Christmas gifts the following month, so as not to incur any additional finance charges.
Think Creatively. When it comes to gifts for Christmas, do some creative brainstorming on what you can give that won’t cost you money, or at least minimize costs.
What can you make or bake that would be meaningful? What service might you provide? One father, for example, gave a simple print out of coupons to his son for Christmas, entitling his son to forgo certain expected household chores, which Dad would do for him instead.
The son could use the coupons whenever he wanted and when the coupons had been used up, the son was expected to comply with the rest of his responsibilities.
Remember, the Best Things in Life Are Not Things. This tip follows closely with the “Think Creatively” concept.
Remember that more than “things,” people yearn for close relationships and the gift of your presence in their lives. So, for example, perhaps one gift to your family might be to schedule monthly family nights where everyone can hang out together and enjoy each other’s company.
In this scenario, each family member can take a turn making a decision regarding what the activity for the evening will be for the current month (like a game night, watch a movie together on the television, go out for ice cream, etc.)
It’s Okay to Cut Back. If your family goes to great lengths in celebrating Christmas, it might be tough to decide to cut back this year. But, understand that the family will survive if you do.
There will always be a “next” Christmas, and as financial conditions improve, you can move back into a more “regular” Christmas experience for your family.
Make the most of what you are able to do this year. Strive to keep family morale high, and place the focus on “the reason for the season.”
Think Through Other Holiday Expenses. There are a lot of other little Christmas season related expenses that typically aren’t considered.
So, this year, take some time to make a list of what those expenses are and how you can save by cutting back or doing things differently.
For example, perhaps you’re used to making Christmas dinner for your entire extended family and over the years you’ve provided all of the food and fixings.
To cut back on your expenses, have family members who will attend bring an appetizer, or provide other parts of the meal.
Maybe this year, you can cut back on your outside light displays to save some money on electricity. Buy a smaller Christmas tree.
You might choose to write handwritten notes instead of buying Christmas cards, or send Christmas emails instead of sending out Christmas cards.
The idea is to think through your Christmas-related expenses and make cuts wherever practical.
Source: Home Word
Editor’s Note: Jim Liebelt is Senior Editor of Publications for HomeWord.
We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
Amby Baby Beds/Hammocks
December 11, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Parent's Advice
By Safe Kids
Dec. 7, 2009
This past Nov. 8, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced the recall of about 24,000 Amby Baby Motion Beds/Hammocks.
Consumers should immediately stop using the Amby Baby motion beds/hammocks and find an alternative, safe sleeping environment for their baby.
The side-to-side shifting or tilting of the hammock can cause the infant to roll and become entrapped or wedged against the hammock’s fabric and/or mattress pad, resulting in a suffocation hazard.
The CPSC is aware of two infant suffocation deaths in the hammock. Those deaths involved a 4-month-old girl in Lawrenceville, Ga. and a 5-month-old boy from Gresham, Ore.
The Amby Baby motion beds/hammocks were sold at Ambybaby.com and other Internet retailers from January of 2003 to October of 2009 for about $250.
For more information, including how to contact Amby Baby USA for a free repair kit, read the CPSC recall notice or visit the Amby Baby Web site.
Source: Safekids
Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
The Kitchen Diva – Tea Cakes
December 11, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Kids in the Kitchen
By Angela Shelf Medearis
Dec. 11, 2009
A Gift of Faith and Food My father, Howard, was in the Air Force, and my mother, Angeline, was a homemaker.
They didn’t have a lot of money to buy Christmas presents for my three siblings or myself.
One thing they did give us was lots of love, great food and faith in God and in the future, no matter how bleak things might look in the present.
The Bible says that faith is “a gift of God”. I believe that. It would take a God to create something as wonderful and as life-sustaining as faith. It takes a great faith to carry on in the midst of all the troubles we face day in and day out.
The wonderful thing about faith is that the more you use it, the more it grows. Unlike earthly things that become worn and depleted when used time after time, faith becomes even stronger and more abundant the more you use it.
I often hear about people “losing faith.” If you feel like that, all I can say is that lost things are often found in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times.
I’ve misplaced things, thinking that they were lost, only to find them when I was looking for something else. The thing I’d thought I’d lost was there all the time, waiting for me to discover it again.
Faith is like that. Sometimes when you think you’ve reached the end of your ability to believe, something or someone comes along to shore you up so that you can continue on.
I have great faith in the future and the abilities of the American people to preserve in these difficult times. We must love and speak lovingly about our country.
A thing that is not loved will not grow properly. We must have faith in our personal abilities and in our potential as a people in order to grow.
While the holidays pose their own special set of personal and financial challenges, it’s also a time to appreciate and treasure the priceless things in our lives — love, faith and family.
No matter what your circumstances might be, hold on to hope, preserve and cherish your family’s heritage, memories and recipes; and most importantly in these difficult times, keep the faith.
Some of my favorite Christmas memories are linked to the dishes my mother made during the holidays. Teacakes are a Southern-style cookie that were a special after-school treat or a holiday dessert during my childhood.
Making and sharing these delicious cookies are almost as fun as eating them!
Merry Christmas, and have a blessed holiday season!
TEA CAKES
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1 cup sugar, plus extra for
sprinkling the cakes
2 Eggland’s Best eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 cup sour cream
In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy and wellblended.
Beat in the eggs, one at a time, and mix in the vanilla extract. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, salt and nutmeg, and add it to the butter mixture, alternating with tablespoons of sour cream and mixing well.
Wrap the dough in plastic wrap or sheets of wax paper, and chill 4 hours or overnight.
Preheat oven to 425 F. Dust a cutting board with flour and roll out the dough until it’s about an inch thick. Cut out cookies with a 3-inch-round cookie cutter, or use a drinking glass about the same size.
Put tea cakes on a lightly greased baking sheet. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake 8 to 10 minutes, or until lightly browned.
Remove cookies from the baking sheet and cool on a rack. Store in an airtight container.
Makes about 2 dozen (3-inch) cakes.
Editor’s Note: *Recipe adapted from “The New African-American Kitchen” by Angela Shelf Medearis (Lake Isle Press, 2008).
Angela Shelf Medearis is known as The Kitchen Diva and is the executive producer and host of “The Kitchen Diva!” cooking show on Hulu.com. Visit her Web site
Her new inspirational book is “Ten Ingredients for aJoyous Life and a Peaceful Home — ASpiritual Memoir,” co-written with Pastor Salem Robinson, Jr. http://www.dunnsmemorial.com/
We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
© 2009 King Features Synd., Inc
There is No Room for Jesus Here
By Dan Samaria
Publisher/Yc
Dec. 9, 2009
I never thought the day would come that we would have a non religious Christmas day?
I never thought the day would come that a U.S. President would ever try to have Christmas takening out of the White House.
Well that day has come.
This President and his family claim they are Christians. Yet they want to keep Jesus out of the Whitehouse and put him out in the cold like it was done many, many years ago.
Jesus has his place in this world. He belongs in the Whitehouse and in our hearts. Where he has been for many Christmas and where it is warm.
I hope I am not wrong, but I don’t think Jesus was ever kicked out of the Whitehouse.
From our very first President George Washington who have celebrated Christmas with his family to President George W. Bush and his family.
I was once lucky enough to be in Washington during the Christmas season. I was able to visit the Whitehouse and take the Christmas tour.
I will never forget the scene of Jesus greeting you as you came in. And seeing the beautiful lights, trees, the children smiling. And seeing snow on the ground it made you forget the problems that the world was having.
I am glad that Americans from Christians to non-Christians spoke up. And helped this President come to his senses that this Whitehouse does not belong to him and his family.
He is a temporary resident that it belongs to all Americans.
During these tough times we all need the meaning of Christmas in our lives. Which are Hope, Love and Compassion for our fellow human beings here and in the world?
The reason that I am bring this up is not only because it is Christmas. But this really was about to happen. The following article is about to explain it.
By Mickey McLean
Dec. 8, 2009
A White House Christmas tradition, no matter which party’s in office, has been to prominently display a nativity scene in the East Room.
But, as Eric Metaxas discovered while reading The New York Times Sunday Styles section, it almost didn’t happen this year.
Seems that Desiree Rogers, the White House social secretary who has been in the news lately because of a certain recent party crashing, stated at a luncheon with previous social secretaries that the White House would have a “non-religious” Christmas this year.
The article reported:
The lunch conversation inevitably turned to whether the White House would display its crèche, customarily placed in a prominent spot in the East Room.
Ms. Rogers, this participant said, replied that the Obamas did not intend to put the manger scene on display — a remark that drew an audible gasp from the tight-knit social secretary sisterhood.
(A White House official confirmed that there had been internal discussions about making Christmas more inclusive and whether to display the crèche.)
Yet in the end, tradition won out; the executive mansion is now decorated for the Christmas holiday, and the crèche is in its usual East Room spot.
Metaxas writes:
[T]he fact that it was going to happen reveals a level of political tone-deafness in the current administration that is staggering.
To most average Americans — who did not grow up in an Ivy-League, inside-the-Beltway hothouse governed by the rules of the French Revolution — the idea of keeping Jesus out of “the people’s house” at Christmas evokes disturbing images of the Holy Family being turned away from the Inn, or worse yet, images of Herod.
But to a super-secular White House afraid to offend anyone — except for average Americans — it probably just seemed like another fab “progressive” innovation.
If President Obama wanted to fuel the fears of every serious Christian in America and actually prove that he is every bad thing they’ve ever heard about him on every crazy Web site, the idea of symbolically taking Jesus out of the White House at Christmas would be just the ticket!
Source: World Mag
Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
In Tough Money Times
December 9, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Parent's Advice
By MV Parents
Dec. 9, 2009
The current economy is in rough shape; prices are up, salaries are down, and layoffs are common. And parenting is expensive.
So how do you make sure you have enough money to support your family? Use some of the tips below to help you maintain your financial footing in tough times.
Don’t buy (and encourage others not to buy for you) a lot of new clothes or toys for your babies or very young children, as they will be outgrown in a matter of months.
Many people are willing to donate old baby clothes and toys to friends or acquaintances, and you can also find a large number of these items at places like thrift stores or garage sales.
Maximize your available time, energy, and skills by trading services with friends or family for such needs as childcare, meal preparation, or house cleaning.
This is also a great way to build a network of caring adults and a close-knit community.
Take advantage of places like consignment and second-hand stores. If your child needs sports equipment, toys, or certain articles of clothing, you may be able to get a really good deal if you shop around for used items.
Some schools offer prepackaged school supply kits at a discounted price, and often use the proceeds to fund classroom activities and other needs. Many congregations, food pantries, and local service groups also collect school supplies to donate or sell at affordable prices.
Find out if your community has programs like this, and take advantage of them if possible.
During an economic downturn, families may find that they struggle with their finances. But through careful planning and prioritized spending, many families have been able to not only make it, but thrive through these tough economic times.
Don’t forget to stay positive, even if it gets difficult—by making smart financial decisions, you’ll also be teaching your child the necessary skills that he or she will need in the future.
Source: MV Parents
Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
Be a Fan of Joy Help a Child
By SO/PIO
Dec. 8, 2009
Raise your holiday spirits with A Very Special Christmas music and help bring the joy of Special Olympics to more people worldwide.
Since 1987, Special Olympics and top recording artists have worked together on a fundraising collaboration that brings joy to millions each holiday season.
The A Very Special Christmas holiday music collections are like no other, delivering seasonal cheer in every musical style: traditional, rock, rap, country Western, world, Latin and jazz. Eleven albums feature songs by dozens of internationally acclaimed artists, including U2, Bon Jovi, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Sheryl Crow, No Doubt, Eric Clapton and Sting.
A Very Special Christmas CDs and DVDs spread cheer and raise awareness of Special Olympics. They also raise much-needed funds – over $100 million to date.
These funds make up Special Olympics Christmas Record Trust, which provides grants to help grow Special Olympics Programs in the neediest parts of world.
Like India – where over 200,000 new athletes from some of the poorest urban and rural areas now know the joy of sports training, thanks to the Inspire Hope India campaign, which brought together private and public entities in support of Special Olympics.
And Africa, where children from an institution in Soweto no longer are confined indoors to beds and wheelchairs, but now regularly take part in a Special Olympics Program.
And Russia, where new coaches are part of a national training program funded through the trust, resulting in more than 85,000 new athletes in less than five years.
And China – most impressive of all. With seed funding from the trust, Special Olympics China today has over 700,000 athletes and support from China’s central government, making it the fastest-growing arm of the global Special Olympics movement.
The Special Olympics Christmas Record Grant Trust allows our movement to invest in developing regions around the world – in Asia, Latin America, Africa and the Middle East. Last year, 74 Special Olympics programs worldwide, including programs in Namibia, Malawi, Chad and Afghanistan, received funds directly from sales of A Very Special Christmas series.
Music allows us to bring dignity, pride and empowerment through the love of sport to many more children and adults with intellectual disabilities, providing them a life of participation, pride, teamwork, friendship and joy.
A Very Special Christmas is about more than holiday cheer. It’s about the energy and cooperation of record companies, producers and artists coming together to transform lives and communities.
It’s about dedication and teamwork between organizations that care to make a difference. And it’s about joy – many voices from around the world, uniting in the belief that together, we can make the world a better place.
This holiday season, ring in the holidays with a special three CD package, A Very Special Christmas®, Volume I- III, and help Special Olympics change the lives of millions of athletes worldwide.
This three-disc compilation features legendary musicians, including Madonna, U2, Sheryl Crow, Aretha Franklin, Run D.M.C. and Bruce Springsteen.
All of the artists donated their time and recorded renditions of holiday favorites.
What YOU Can Do
Whether you are an athlete looking to compete, a volunteer looking to make a difference, or you’re just looking to have fun and be a part of something — come be a part of Special Olympics, and experience your own story of transformation.
| Ways to Get Involved |
Source: Special Olympics
Editor’s Note: See past Christmas slide shows. We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com |
If I had to Live My Life over Again
December 8, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Encouragement
By Dan Samaria
Publisher/GCC
Dec. 8, 2009
Do you know what “Joy logy” means? It is the study of caring, sharing, and listening and Sacrifice.
This was written by Mr. Jeineke in 1975
We would like to know what you think: dan@youngchronicle.com
What is a Joyologist? A joyologist then would be one who studies joy logy. Frankly our world could use a great many joyologists whose mission in life is to actively research the effects of discussing and sharing joy.
The research could branch out into how joy affects our careers, family lives, and friendships. The very act of doing the active research should spread jubilation throughout the world and bring about positive results. What a fun job!
All one needs to start with is to share the words joyism, joy logy, and joyologis with others. Use the words daily and make them a part of the world’s vocabulary.
The upcoming year is going to challenge us all. Here is something we need to think, this is from an unknown reader. It is called: If I had to Live My Life Over Again
by Erma Bombeck
Editor’s Note: This was written after Erma Bombeck found out she was dying from cancer.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that t his wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more “I love yours” and
More “I’m sorry’s.”
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute…look at it and really see it… live it and never give it back.
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don’t worries about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what instead; let’s cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let’s think about what God HAS blessed us with and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.
Source: Joyology
Christmas Gifts Teens Friends
December 7, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Encouragement
By Jim Burns
Dec. 7, 2009
We have two questions about Christmas and our teenage daughter. When do we stop paying for Christmas gifts our daughter wants to buy for her friends or other family members?
Also, our 14 year old has informed us that she does not want to participate in any of the family, neighborhood, or work related Christmas parties during the holiday season.
She says they are boring and she would rather be with her friends. What are your thoughts?
I remember as a child how simple and non-complicated the Christmas season was for me! My suggestion would be to give your daughter a one time amount of money for the purchase of gifts for the season.
This way you are teaching her the wonderful and often painful lesson of budgeting. Sometimes my kids think that all we have to do is stick a magical card into the ATM machine and there is an abundance of $20.00 dollar bills in there just for me.
You can make the budgeting process an excellent learning experience. Have your daughter write out the names of which she will be giving gifts to and placing the dollar amount beside their names.
Your daughter may find that she doesn’t have enough money and then she may explore an even more meaningful way to give gifts and that is making special gifts for those on the list.
As she gets older, you will probably want to allow her the privilege to pay for her own purchases, its called learning responsibility.
I think your second question is very similar to your first one. Look at all the Christmas activities as a family before the season starts and budget your time commitments.
Discuss the importance of each activity and help her understand the importance or lack of importance for each event.
I would still make the family celebrations pretty much non-negotiable and discuss the others with decisions, expectations, and opinions.
Who knows, if your season is too busy you may decide to shorten or cut out of a couple of those parties as well.
We are spending more time focusing on a few key Christmas traditions and less busyness and I think we are enjoying the season more.
Source: Home Word
Editor’s Note: This first appeared in the “Let’s Talk” column of Campus Life
Magazine, a publication of Christianity Today International.
We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
What Makes a Child Happy?
By Marguerite Lamb
Dec. 5, 2009
We all want the same things for our kids. We want them to grow up to love and be loved, to follow their dreams, to find success. Mostly, though, we want them to be happy.
But just how much control do we have over our children’s happiness? My son, Jake, now 7, has been a rather somber child since birth, while my 5-year-old, Sophie, is perennially sunny. Jake wakes up grumpy.
Always has. Sophie, on the other hand, greets every day with a smile. Evident from infancy, their temperaments come, at least in part, from their genes.
But that doesn’t mean their ultimate happiness is predetermined, assures Bob Murray, PhD, author of Raising an Optimistic Child: A Proven Plan for Depression-Proofing Young Children — for Life (McGraw-Hill).
“There may be a genetic propensity for depression, but our genes are malleable and can be switched on or off depending on the environment,” he says.
“The research clearly shows that happy, optimistic children are the product of happy, optimistic homes, regardless of genetic makeup.”
What can you do to create a home where your child’s happiness will flourish? Read on for seven strategies that will strengthen your child’s capacity to experience joy.
Foster Connections
The surest way to promote your child’s lifelong emotional well-being is to help him feel connected — to you, other family members, friends, neighbors, daycare providers, even to pets.
“A connected childhood is the key to happiness,” says Edward Hallowell, MD, child psychiatrist and author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness (Ballantine Books).
Dr. Hallowell points as evidence to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, involving some 90,000 teens, in which “connectedness” — a feeling of being loved, understood, wanted, acknowledged — emerged as by far the biggest protector against emotional distress, suicidal thoughts, and risky behaviors including smoking, drinking, and using drugs.
Fortunately, we can cement our child’s primary and most crucial connection — to us — simply by offering what Dr. Hallowell calls the crazy love that never quits. “It sounds hokey, and it’s often dismissed as a given,” he says, “but if a child has just one person who loves him unconditionally, that’s the closest thing he’ll ever get to an inoculation against misery.”
It’s not enough, however, simply to possess that deep love; your child must feel it, too, Dr. Hallowell says.
Hold your baby as much as possible; respond with empathy to his cries; read aloud to him; eat, snuggle, and laugh together.
Meanwhile, provide chances for him to form loving connections with others as well, advises sociologist Christine Carter, PhD, executive director of the University of California at Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, an organization devoted to the scientific understanding of happiness.
“We know from 50 years of research that social connections are an incredibly important, if not the most important, contributor to happiness,” Carter says. “And it’s not just the quality, but also the quantity of the bonds: the more connections your child makes, the better.”
Don’t Try to Make Your Child Happy
It sounds counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for your child’s long-term happiness may be to stop trying to keep her happy in the short-term.
“If we put our kids in a bubble and grant them their every wish and desire, that is what they grow to expect, but the real world doesn’t work that way,” says Bonnie Harris, founder of Core Parenting, in Peterborough, New Hampshire, and author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Grand Central Publishing).
To keep from overcoddling, recognize that you are not responsible for your child’s happiness, Harris urges. Parents who feel responsible for their kids’ emotions have great difficulty allowing them to experience anger, sadness, or frustration.
We swoop in immediately to give them whatever we think will bring a smile or to solve whatever is causing them distress.
Unfortunately, Harris warns, children who never learn to deal with negative emotions are in danger of being crushed by them as adolescents and adults.
Once you accept that you can’t make your child feel happiness (or any other emotion for that matter), you’ll be less inclined to try to “fix” her feelings — and more likely to step back and allow her to develop the coping skills and resilience she’ll need to bounce back from life’s inevitable setbacks.
Nurture Your Happiness
While we can’t control our children’s happiness, we are responsible for our own. And because children absorb everything from us, our moods matter. Happy parents are likely to have happy kids, while children of depressed parents suffer twice the average rate of depression, Murray observes.
Consequently, one of the best things you can do for your child’s emotional well-being is to attend to yours: carve out time for rest, relaxation, and, perhaps most important, romance.
Nurture your relationship with your spouse. “If parents have a really good, committed relationship,” Murray says, “the child’s happiness often naturally follows.”
Praise the Right Stuff
Not surprisingly, studies consistently link self-esteem and happiness. Our children can’t have one without the other. It’s something we know intuitively, and it turns many of us into overzealous cheerleaders.
Our child scribbles and we declare him a Picasso, scores a goal and he’s the next Beckham, adds 1 and 2 and he’s ready for Mensa. But this sort of “achievement praise” can backfire.
“The danger, if this is the only kind of praise a child hears, is that he’ll think he needs to achieve to win your approval,” Murray explains. “He’ll become afraid that if he doesn’t succeed, he’ll fall off the pedestal and his parents won’t love him anymore.
” Praising specific traits — intelligence, prettiness, athleticism — can also undermine children’s confidence later, if they grow up believing they’re valued for something that’s out of their control and potentially fleeting.
“If you praise your child primarily for being pretty, for example, what happens when she grows old and loses that beauty?” Murray asks. “How many facials will it take for her to feel worthwhile?”
Interestingly, Murray adds, research shows that kids who are praised mainly for being bright become intellectually timid, fearing that they will be seen as less smart — and less valuable — if they fail.
The antidote, however, is not to withhold praise but rather to redirect it, Murray says. “Praise the effort rather than the result,” he advises. “Praise the creativity, the hard work, the persistence, that goes into achieving, more than the achievement itself.”
The goal, Carter agrees, is to foster in your child a “growth mind-set,” or the belief that people achieve through hard work and practice, more than through innate talent. “Kids who are labeled as having innate talent feel they need to prove themselves again and again,” Carter observes.
“Whereas studies show kids with a growth mind-set do better and enjoy their activities more because they aren’t worried what people will think of them if they fail.”
Fortunately, Carter says, research has shown it’s possible to instill a growth mind-set in children with one simple line of praise: you did really well on X; you must have worked really hard.
“So we’re not saying don’t praise,” Carter stresses. “Just focus on something within your child’s control.”
Allow for Success and Failure
Of course, if you really want to bolster your child’s self-esteem, focus less on compliments and more on providing her with ample opportunities to learn new skills. Mastery, not praise, is the real self-esteem builder, Dr. Hallowell says.
Fortunately, when it comes to the under-4 crowd, nearly everything they do is a chance to attain mastery — because it’s all new to them: learning to crawl, walk, feed and dress themselves, use the potty, and ride a tricycle.
Our challenge is to stand back and let our children do for themselves what they’re capable of. “The great mistake good parents make is doing too much for their children,” Dr. Hallowell says.
While it can be difficult to watch our kids struggle, they’ll never know the thrill of mastery unless we allow them to risk failure. Few skills are perfected on a first try.
It’s through practice that children achieve mastery. And through repeated experiences of mastery, they develop the can-do attitude that lets them approach future challenges with the zest and optimism that are central to a happy life.
Give Real Responsibilities
“Happiness depends largely on the feeling that what we do matters and is valued by others,” Murray observes. “Without that feeling, we fear we might be excluded from the group.
And research shows that what human beings fear more than anything is exclusion.”
In other words, people have an innate need to be needed. So the more you can convey to your child that he is making a unique contribution to the family, from an early age, the greater his sense of self-worth and his ultimate happiness.
Kids as young as 3 can play meaningful family roles, Murray says, whether it’s refilling the cat’s dry-food bowl or setting out the napkins at dinnertime. If possible, assign a role that plays to your child’s strengths.
For example, if your little one loves to organize things, give him the job of sorting the forks and spoons.
If he’s particularly nurturing, perhaps his role could be entertaining his baby sister while you get dinner on the table.
So long as you acknowledge that he’s making a contribution to the family, it will heighten your child’s sense of connection and confidence, two prerequisites for lasting happiness.
Practice Habitual Gratitude
Finally, happiness studies consistently link feelings of gratitude to emotional well-being. Research at the University of California, Davis, and elsewhere has shown that people who keep daily or weekly gratitude journals feel more optimistic, make more progress toward goals, and feel better about their lives overall. For a child, keeping a journal may be unrealistic.
But one way to foster gratitude in children is to ask that each member of the family take time daily — before or during a meal, for example — to name aloud something he or she is thankful for, Carter suggests.
The important thing is to make it a regular ritual.
“This is one habit that will foster all kinds of positive emotions,” she assures, “and it really can lead to lasting happiness.”
Source: Parents
Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com
Having a Pet Rat
December 6, 2009 by Dan
Filed under Parent's Advice
By Adair Lara
Dec. 3, 2009
Grandparents are like grandchildren. Sometimes we do things even when we know better.
For example, there I was at Western Feed, a pet shop in Santa Rosa, Calif., on an errand with my mother-in-law (surprising my husband with a canary) when I saw the glass tank marked “female rats.”
As it happened, I had bought a colorful animal cage at a garage sale that morning (along with an empty bird cage), and it was sitting right in the trunk of my car.
So I bought a furry black-and-white rat, and the backlash started immediately: As the man at the register put my new pet in a cardboard box, he muttered, “I hate rodents.”
I had not, let me say, asked his opinion or brought up the merits of rats as pets in any way.
My mother-in law was dubious too: “A rat?”
“For the grandkids.”
“Where will it live?” she asked.
It was a fair question. My granddaughters, Maggie, 4 and Ryan, 6, with divorced parents and two sets of grandparents, have bedrooms in four different houses — two in San Francisco; another 25 miles north in Fairfax; and a fourth an hour-and-a-half east in Davis.
The rat would have to get a little rodent-size suitcase, lunchbox, and car seat to travel around with them.
But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about how excited Ryan was about the tadpole in her kindergarten classroom and how much better a rat of her own would be than a tadpole in a school.
So I brought the rat home. Later, my daughter Morgan, Maggie and Ryan’s mother came by with the girls, and I showed her the rat.
She gave me that same look she gives the girls when she is trying to be patient. “Okay,” she said, “but tells them it’s your rat.”
Rat Love
My new pet was a big hit! The girls took turns holding the rat, putting it in their pockets (try that with a tadpole) and asking questions about it.
Ryan, wearing her new bathing suit although there was no pool in sight, asked me why I bought it. After I explained, she said, “What does impulsive mean?”
They named the rat Sara; because they name everything Sara (we took the precaution of naming my husband’s new canary Jack before the girls could call it Sara, too).
They particularly liked the black-and-white cloth igloo that had come in the cage I bought at the garage sale. They took off the cage top, stretched out on the floor, and breathed on Sara.
And when Morgan drove off with the girls, there was Sara in her bright plastic cage sitting between Maggie and Ryan in the backseat of the Subaru.
What a sport Morgan is to take Sara home, I thought, especially as there is already a cat named Wolfe at her house….
A Short Stay
An hour later, Morgan came to her senses. She called on her cell to ask me to meet her halfway between her house and ours (we live 20 miles apart). “I’m wondering if you would mind keeping Sara at your house,” she said.
So I took Sara back. Now, I would keep a pony in my playroom if the girls wanted me to. An elephant.
But Sara produced a musty smell in the bathroom in which I hid her from my husband. She ate that little black-and-white fabric igloo in the cage — which, by the way, turned out to have been made for hamsters, and was much too small for a rat. So I had to move her to a larger plastic box.
]And, of course, the girls only come by here occasionally, while the rat would have to hang her toothbrush next to ours full time.
I gave Sara away a few days later, but was left with the memory of having been an idiot. Again.
I do give my grandkids a lot of stuff. When Ryan was a baby, I met Morgan in the park one day after work. As I pulled toy after toy out of my backpack, a woman who’d been watching drawled, “Let me guess:
This is the grandmother, and it’s the first grandchild.” Recently, I helped Morgan move and found myself having to haul away all the space-swallowing toys I’d given the girls, from a twice-life-size duck, to a drive-in Barbie car, to no fewer than four bikes.
I realized then how patient Morgan is with me, as I arrive with bags in hand, and then say, “Oh, and there’s something else out in the truck.”
I get the hit of delighting the kids with the present, and my daughter? She gets a giant stuffed duck.
Will I stop doing this? I should. I will.
I’ll try.
Source: Grandparents
Editor’s Note: Adair Lara is the author of The Granny Diaries (Chronicle Books, 2007). An author, writing teacher, and a former San Francisco Chronicle columnist, she and her husband live in San Francisco, three blocks from the grandchildren.
We would like to know what you think. dan@youngchronicle.com