Friends Important to Kids

By MvParents
July 27, 2009

As kids choose their friends, they look for everything from shared interests, understanding, and acceptance to excitement and leadership. They may choose kids you like and kids you’re not so sure about. And whether you like it or not, children will frequently see their friends as even more important than their family.
It’s easy to worry about the friends your kids make and the influence they wield. How do you maintain a relationship with your teenagers and establish relationships with their friends? Above all, how do you help your children choose good friends?

 

 Facts from Search Institute

 
Almost three out of four teenagers (72 percent) say they are good at making and keeping friends.

Friends have a lot of influence in kids’ lives; that influence increases through the teenage years.

                                

At the same time, moms and dads remain important. Even high schoolers say that their parents have a lot of influence in their lives and decisions.

Friends are often positive influences in children’s lives. In fact, 65 percent of teenagers surveyed by Search Institute say that their best friends model responsible behavior.

Sixty-four percent of parents surveyed say they spend time each day getting to know their child’s friends.

 

 The Asset Advantage

Positive peer influence is a key Developmental Asset that young people need in their lives to make positive choices, particularly as it applies to underage drinking. An asset-building focus reminds you that friends are valuable and that peer pressure can be both positive and negative.

 
Ideas You Can Use Every Day
 
Welcome Friends — Make your home a place where your children’s friends like to hang out (snacks and soft drinks in the fridge always help!). Get to know them while they are relaxed and open to conversation.

Ask Inviting Questions — Find out what your children’s friends enjoy. Learn what your children like about their friends and families, then point out what you like.

Encourage Diverse Friendships — Encourage your children to get to know kids from many different backgrounds and perspectives. It will help them learn more about themselves as well as help them appreciate the rich diversity of society.

Monitor Friendships — Keep tabs on the friends your children spend a lot of time with. Avoid criticizing friendships that seem negative, but be honest when you are concerned. And remember that your children can have a positive influence on other kids who are struggling.

Stay Calm — If you have concerns, express them calmly and openly. Listen closely to your children’s perspectives before rushing to judgment

Set Limits — Even if your children want to spend all of their time hanging out with friends, set a clear expectation that they regularly spend time at home with family as well.

Protect Health and Safety — Some potential friends may be dangerous to your children, a fact that they may not recognize. These include kids who smoke, drink or use illegal drugs. There may also be people who seek to take advantage of your child. Be explicit that your child is not to hang out with these friends and help her or him develop skills and strategies to refuse to participate in negative activities. For example, encourage simple, direct rebuffs such as “I don’t do that stuff,” or “No thanks. I’m good.”

Maintain Perspective — Children and teenagers will “try out” a wide variety of friends. Some of those short friendships may make you nervous, but they are a normal part of growing up. Talking with your children about their friends and values will help them develop the skills they need to evaluate friendships and focus on strengthening the healthy ones.

Find Support — Get to know the parents or guardians of your children’s friends. You will often find that they share your values and priorities and that you can work together to ensure that the friendship is positive for everyone.

 

From the Idea Bank

“When You Worry about Your Children’s Friends”:idea-bank/when-you-worry-about-your-children’s-friends

Getting to Know Your Child’s Friends

“When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend”:idea-bank/when-you-don’t-your-child’s-friend

 

Ready-to-Use Tools

How to Build Asset 15: Positive Peer Influence — Friends who model responsible behavior for your child are valuable friends indeed.

Resistance Skills: Effective Responses to Negative Pressure — A tip sheet to share with your teenager.

 

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Source: MvParents