7 Laws of Grand Parenting

by Barbara Graham
June 27, 2009

On the one hand, it was so simple. There was a new baby, Isabelle Eva, and there was nothing to do except love her. That was the one hand. The other hand, belonging to her parents, held all the cards. I soon learned that I could love my granddaughter fiercely, but I had no say – in anything. She was mine, but not mine. Although this is perfectly natural and should not have shocked me, it did. (Okay, I admit that on occasion the word bossy has been used to describe my behavior. Still.) For many parents used to being in charge, deferring to the rules and wishes of our adult children and their partners is humbling. I ended up editing a book on the subject  to help me get a handle on my new role. Here are a few guidelines that – so far – have kept me out of hot water.

1. Seal your lips. Even if you’re an expert who has written 13 bestsellers on parenthood, your adult sons and daughters will assume you know nothing about childrearing. Your advice and opinions will not be welcome, unless directly solicited. (Even then, it’s iffy as to whether the new parents really want to hear your answer.) Tread lightly. As Anne Roiphe laments in Eye of My Heart, “Ah, my poor tongue is sore from being bitten.”

2. You may love thy grandchild as thine own – but never forget that he or she is not thine own. I was confused about this in the beginning. I was at the hospital when Isabelle was born and I thought we were all one big happy family. Not. I had to win over her parents. They loved me – I knew that – but did they trust me? In the early days I felt as if I were auditioning for the part of grandparent. Did I hold Isabelle properly? Didn’t I know that you never put a newborn down on her stomach? It took me a few blunders to secure their trust – which must be renewed every so often, like a driver’s license.

3. Abide by the rules of the new parents. The dos and don’ts of childrearing change with every generation. If I had listened to my mother, I would have held my son only while feeding him (every four hours) – and not one second longer, lest he turn into a “mama’s boy.” These days, with the crush of childrearing information online, most new parents are up to speed – and beyond – but we grandparents most definitely are not. Baby slings? The Mutsy Slider Stroller? Who knows what these things are, or how to operate them?

4. Accept your role. If you’re the mother of the new father, you may not have the same access to your grandchild as the maternal grandmother, at least in the beginning. In most families, new mothers are the primary caretakers of babies and they tend to lean on their mothers for support. This is not a problem – unless you think it is. Your grandchild will love you too. Anyhow, all grandparents – whether on the maternal or paternal side – are at risk of being shut out if they fail to observe any of these commandments. Try to think of yourself as a relief pitcher in a baseball game: You’re on the bench until your adult children call you up – and then you must do as they say if you want to stay in the game. (We’ve already covered this, but I think it’s key.)

5. Don’t be surprised if old issues get triggered when your child has a child. For many people, feelings of competition with their grandchild’s other grandparents provoke traumatic flashbacks to junior high school. This is especially true now, given the proliferation of divorce and stepfamilies. Not only that, some grandparents are able to lavish the kids with expensive gifts, while others live much closer to the children than their counterparts. Still, a little goodwill goes a long way. The heart is a generous muscle capable of loving many people at once, and most of us are able to get past the initial rush of jealousy to find our special place in the new order. (Yes, of course we still secretly hope that our grandchildren will love us more than those other people. We are, after all, human.)

6. Get a life. Sometimes I’ve become overly embroiled in my concern for my son and his family; at other times my desire to be an integral part of their lives has taken precedence over things I needed to do to maintain my own sense of well-being – and I’ve paid the price. Hence, my mantra: “I have my life, they have theirs.” We are close and connected, yet separate. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

7. Let go of all expectations. When Isabelle Eva was born she was living around the corner from us, but when she was two months old her parents moved her overseas. Not only was I heartbroken, my expectations about my involvement in her life were turned upside down. Yet, once I was able to let go of my agenda – which took some doing – I found that I still felt deeply connected to Isabelle and vice-versa. Now my husband and I visit her as often as we can and, in between visits, we Skype and talk on the phone. There are bound to be unpredictable plot twists in every family narrative, but, unless you are raising your grandchildren, your adult children are writing their own story. (See No. 4: Relief pitcher, on the bench.) Who knew that grandparenthood would offer so many new opportunities for personal growth?

Ultimately, the good news about becoming a grandparent, and not being in charge anymore, is that nothing is your fault, either. As Roxana Robinson writes in Eye of My Heart, “It’s like being told you no longer have to eat vegetables, only dessert – and really only the icing.”

Editor’s Note: Our columnist shares the family rules that can keep you out of trouble.

Barbara Graham, a Grandparents.com columnist, is the editor of the anthology, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother  (Harper, 2009), which tells “the whole crazy, complicated truth about being a grandmother in today’s world.”

We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Source: Grand Parents

Importance Play in Early Childhood

By Maya Pillai
May 18, 2009

 

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” – An old proverb

Playing is a much needed activity in the early childhood. You may have come across a child playing and you are sure he is having a fun time. However, there is more to the picture than meets the eye. The reason is that “play” is the building block of a child’s intellectual skills. The parents should realize that through play, their child develops social skills, problem solving skills and also interpersonal skills.

Parents should ensure that their child plays with other children. This is important because it helps in the emotional and social development and also in learning skills such as negotiation. By playing with the children of their own age group, a child learns lessons in sharing and give and take. You could rightly say, play is an integral part of learning.

A child is born with an innate talent and an urge to learn new things through exploration. For instance, when a toddler starts to walk, he would not like to be carried around. He wants to walk. As a child grows, as a parent you should instill new skills and also teach him/her new things through play. This is when play becomes an important activity in early childhood.

Importance of Play in Early Childhood

Play is important in early childhood because it helps prepare a child for school. Engaging in play activities helps to nurture social and language skills. When a child engages himself/herself in hands-on play activities at home, it helps to refine his listening and reasoning skills. There are many multi-sensory play activities that teach a child to understand and learn through touch, sight and sound.

Play is important in early childhood because it helps in the physical development of the child. Obesity is a common problem among children today. Engaging in outdoor games helps in preventing childhood obesity. Outdoor games also help to nurture and co-ordinate the sensory-motor development of a child.

Singing along with your child or engaging in play activities involving rhyming words enhances the language learning. Experts opine, it is necessary to nurture oral language skills in the early years of childhood than teaching word recognition and letter sounds. As a parent, you need to understand that talking to your child would enable him/her to pick up the language quickly. Apart from engaging in talking, singing songs, reciting poems and story telling would enhance language skills in a child.

Play helps to hone math skills in a child. Children grasp the concepts of math at an early stage. As a parent, it is your responsibility to develop this skill by engaging them in play activities such as counting the number of objects in a sack, teaching them relationships like short and long, big and small, less and more and so on.

Through play, children not only learn many new skills, but also develop self-esteem. One thing worth mentioning is, parents must learn to respect the interests of their children and let them take the lead while playing. Play helps in developing a healthy and long-lasting relationship between a child and his/her parents. It also helps the parents to gain an insight into the thought process of their child.

Source: Buzzle.com

Issues Mothers can face during Pregnancy

By Andrew Regan
May 13, 2009

 

There’s more to being pregnant than just picking a suitable name for your baby; in fact, mothers-to-be have to confront a variety of issues in the run up to childbirth, and many more afterwards.

If you’re having a baby or have ever been pregnant, you’ll understand that you have more issues to consider during your pregnancy than just picking out a suitable name for your child. As well as assessing the options available to you when giving birth, you have to prepare for your baby’s arrival in a variety of ways.

For starters, pregnancy forces you to change your lifestyle; but this doesn’t just mean that you need to stop drinking or smoking. Mothers also need to buy proper maternity clothes and maternity underwear to make sure that their new wardrobe fits their growing body. Many mothers-to-be may feel that maternity wear is frumpy or fails to reflect trends; but an increasing number of clothing designers are creating flattering maternity clothing, including skirts, dresses and nightwear that will suit mothers of all lifestyles.
Many book stores and specialist maternity stores stock books that give advice on dealing with pregnancy. Pregnancy manuals and mothering books can be veritable bibles of information when you’re having a baby and can provide you with a range of answers for problems, such as: childbirth options, explaining the stages of labour and methods of pain-relief during labour. Such manuals are also indispensable after your baby is born and will impart advice on issues as wide ranging as what you can expect from your new born baby and how to deal with postnatal depression.

When it comes to buying items for your baby, make sure that you invest in the right kinds of products. Parents-to-be usually spend money on pushchairs or prams for their children, as well as baby cots, baby clothing and general nursery furniture. However, it is also important to purchase essential safety items like car seats so your baby can travel safely and legally in the car with you. Many maternity shops sell a wide range of safety products, including fixed safety gates, fireguards, baby monitors, cupboard locks and socket covers. By investing in these essential baby safety items, you can be sure that your baby will still have some degree of protection from the more dangerous elements of your home, even when you’re not watching.

The most important thing to remember when you’ve had your baby, however, is to enjoy your time with them, and take pleasure in watching them grow and progress, both mentally and physically. Many maternity shops sell fun baby toys and games that will aid a young child’s development, such as baby walkers or educational books that help children identify sights and sounds. Of course, many stores also sell toys that are designed to provide pure and simple entertainment, such as rocking horses, teddy bears, and mini-cars – and these are often the toys that you and your baby will enjoy the most.

Source: Buzzle.com

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