Activism with Children

By Kelly Palmatier
Compassionate Kids
July 22, 2009

 

Activism is a logical outlet for our children’s ever-increasing sense of compassion and desire to make a difference in the world. Activism, by definition, simply means taking action – standing up for our beliefs and helping to spread the word.

And there are many different ways to spread the word:

• Writing letters to targeted decision makers
• Entering compassionate messages in art and essay contests
• Setting up information tables
• Making displays for library bulletin boards or store windows
• Putting on compassion-themed shows
• Giving speeches or making presentations

So what about protests and demonstrations? Are they safe to take children to?

Yes, fortunately, most protests are peaceful, uneventful gatherings with people holding signs and handing out literature. They are typically intended to initiate enough negative publicity and fear of a boycott that corporate decision makers or politicians are pressured into making more compassionate choices. Of course, peaceful events don’t get as much news coverage as controversial ones, so be sure to talk to the event organizer first about what to expect and whether it’s appropriate for children to attend. The most important thing to consider is our children’s safety, so only attend protests and demonstrations that will be peaceful and law-abiding.

I have personally taking my children to lots of protests, starting when they were ages 3 and 7. Without exception, these events have been peaceful and law-abiding as well as fun and educational.

There are a few tips to keep in mind that will make your participation in a protest the most successful and enjoyable:

• Park legally – You cannot park at the business you are protesting against. Their entire parking lot is private property. Plan to arrive early enough to find a legal parking space and walk to the location of the protest.

 

• Protest legally – Stay on the sidewalk or designated public property area only. (If a sidewalk is attached to the building, it may be private property.) Keep in mind some counties or towns will have special ordinances about protesting. For example, they may require a permit that your event coordinator should have already filed and picked up, or they may require you to keep moving on the sidewalk rather than stand still. In no case will it be legal for you to block entrances or exits from buildings.

 

 

• Be courteous and peaceful – If people don’t agree with your message, just keep your tone of voice and actions pleasant. Just hand them the literature (if they want it) and politely say you’re just trying to do what you believe in. If a situation becomes angry or unstable, just remove yourself.

 

 

• Be prepared – Adults don’t mind being a little uncomfortable, but when you bring children along to a protest, it really helps to be organized. Protests will usually be at least an hour long, and may require a good deal of walking or standing, so remember to wear comfortable shoes. Be sure to bring your charged cell phone, camera, water and snacks, sunscreen, sunglasses, rain gear, jacket, hats, gloves, scarves, and keep a towel and set of warm, dry clothes in the car. Carry your items in a comfortable backpack or use luggage wheels.

 

 

• Remember safety – If you have small children, you need to take every precaution around the cars driving by. Very young children should not be trusted to stay on the sidewalk far enough from traffic. They need to have constant supervision. With my youngest, we had a rule that he had to hold my hand during the entire protest unless he was sitting down. When he sat down next to me, I was never more than a couple feet away and kept a constant eye on him. Of course, always make your children’s welfare your highest priority and don’t let your discussions of the issues or other distractions let your guard slip on safety!

 

 

• Have fun – Although not mandatory, it’s a great idea to do something special for your kids for each protest. Here are a few ideas I have implemented:

  

• Create t-shirts related to the event or subject matter. T-shirts could be iron-on designs printed on your computer, handmade with markers or fabric paint, or even just stickers adhered to the shirt. 

 

• Let the children wear relevant costumes. This is especially fun when the protest is animal-related.

 

• Let the children bring dolls holding their own signs or stuffed animals wearing their message on their collars.

 

• Make small hand-held signs, large posters, or banners. Very young children can color cutouts that will be glued onto the sign or banner made by a grownup.

 

• Be flexible – Most protests are simple and fun, but there are some days when the weather just doesn’t cooperate, or someone missed naptime, etc. Don’t be so concerned about the protest that it makes anyone miserable. If things really start going badly, don’t worry about taking care of the children first. There have been plenty of times I’ve had to leave early or take a break and come back later. The children are still learning that activism is fun and educational, not torture!

 

Protests and other forms of activism can be immensely rewarding, and it is wonderful for children to know they can make a difference in the world.

Source: Compassionate Kids

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

“The Talk”: Body Image

by Paula Silverman
July 18, 2009

When grandchildren are unhappy with their looks, help them to love themselves just the way they are.

This is the first in a series of articles in which experts will advise grandparents on talking about serious issues with their grandchildren. Upcoming articles will focus on issues including drug use and dating.

“My grandchildren are absolutely perfect,” says Marie DeGuara, 69, of Bay Shore, N.Y., the grandmother of 19-year-old Amanda and 16-year-old Anthony. “There’s nothing wrong with them.” It’s not unusual, of course, for grandparents to believe their grandchildren are perfect. Most wouldn’t change a hair on their grandkids’ heads — which is why it can be so upsetting when a grandchild says he or she wants a nose job as a high-school graduation present, or another wishes she could get breast implants.

An Epidemic of Insecurity

Several recent reports have found that the widespread availability of plastic surgery and the pervasive influence of reality shows focused on surgical makeovers may be having a profound effect on the self-esteem of young people, especially girls. According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the number of cosmetic surgeries performed on people 18 and younger rose from 59,890 in 1997 to 205,119 in 2007. The most common procedure was rhinoplasty (a nose job), but there were also 9,295 liposuction procedures in the age group in 2007, and 7,882 breast augmentations; the latter procedure was being performed on teens six times more often than in 1997.

A recent survey of more than 1,000 girls in the United States, ages 8 to 17, sponsored by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund — which has a partnership with the Girl Scouts of the USA — found that 70 percent of the girls felt that their appearance did not “measure up”; only 10 percent said they believed they were “pretty enough.”

 

How You Can Help Them

Experts say it can be easier for grandparents — who are not caught up in the daily stresses of teens’ lives, and whose opinions teens may respect more than those of other adults — to step in and bolster their grandchildren’s self-esteem and even talk them out of plans for plastic surgery. Encouraging, well-timed words from a grandparent can give a grandchild more confidence than plastic surgery ever could. Here are some tips to help navigate the rocky terrain of body image with your teenage grandchildren:

 

Know what’s happening. To be an effective influence, you must be informed about your grandchildren’s lives, the challenges they face, and the influences on them. Don’t assume that things are the same as when your kids were teens — in the 1970s and 1980s, there were no TV shows like MTV’s I Want a Famous Face, which follows 12 young people seeking plastic surgery to look more like their celebrity idols.

There are many reasons why teens feel the need to change their appearance, but it often boils down to low self-esteem and poor body image. For that reason, the most effective steps grandparents can take are simply devoting more time and positive attention to their grandchildren. “You can develop a trusting relationship by quietly observing their likes and dislikes and noting their favorite TV shows, celebrities, and music — without critiquing,” advises psychologist Erik Fisher, author of The Art of Empowered Parenting: The Manual You Wish Your Kids Came With (Ovation, 2007). “Then ask your grandchildren, ‘What attracts you to those people? Do you like the way  they dress? The way they look?’ Ask your grandkids how they feel about the way that they look. If they shy away, don’t push. They may come to you later when they feel more comfortable. Let them know that you realize that growing up in today’s world can be tough, and you want to be someone they can talk to.”

 

Slow them down. If grandchildren confide in you that they are considering radical cosmetic procedures, discuss with them how this is not a decision that they should make impulsively. By encouraging them to sit down and think it through, you can play a major role in helping them make informed choices. “Hormonally, teens are all over the map — their brain development is not at a place where they can evaluate themselves and do a good job of predicting outcomes of choices,” says Annie Fox, an online advisor for teens and the author of Middle School Confidential: Be Confident in Who You Are (Free Spirit, 2008). “Therefore, they’re more likely to make choices they’ll later regret, from their need for peer approval. Grandparents can be a wonderful antidote to the stresses of peer group, school, and home, as they are less likely to have ‘carved-in-stone’ expectations of the child. Grandparents also have fewer short-term expectations than parents, so it’s easier for the child to just ‘be’ with a grandparent.”

 

Be an oasis of acceptance. “Your response to a teen is vital,” says Alice Aspen March, author of Attention: It’s the Problem, It’s the Solution. March, who helped her own granddaughter as she struggled with weight fluctuations, says, “If people think that they’re not loved because of how they look, it’s a serious problem. My granddaughter was very thin. Then she put on considerable weight and didn’t know what to do. She’d discuss her insecurities with me, saying ‘I’m so fat,’ and I’d respond very low key. I’d ask, ‘What would you like to hear from me? How can I help?’

“I know I helped,” March says, “because she kept coming back. She needed to be in my space, because she felt she was accepted. A grandmother can talk about her own body, and what she went through as a teen, so she connects with her grandchild on the inside. My own grandmother played a huge role in helping me feel good about myself, by giving unconditional love.”

 

When They Still Want Surgery

But how do you respond when a healthy, normal-size grandchild insists that she needs liposuction because she thinks she’s too fat? “It’s important to realize that you can’t argue with an adolescent’s reality,” says Dr. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon (Da Capo, 2001). “Present your position in a nonconfrontational way — You may be right, but that’s not the way I see it; What makes you think that?; Tell me more about your thoughts on the issue. Help them think through their reality and in the process, help them gain a more objective perspective.”
 
When a tween feels insecure about looks, athletic ability, or school performance, says Fox, you don’t need to talk about it directly. Simply work to create an ongoing, positive relationship in which your grandchildren can feel good about themselves. “Catch a child in the act of doing something right,” Fox advises. “Offer realistic and specific feedback like, ‘I really liked how you helped your sister do her homework.’ Don’t just say, ‘You’re a great kid.’ Young adults become self-confident when they’re given a task and responsibility. Show appreciation. Give them the opportunity to try something and do it well and be acknowledged for it.”

 

More Ways to Help Granddaughters

Other ways you can help a granddaughter build self-confidence include sharing books with her like Our Bodies, Ourselves (Touchstone, 2005); encouraging her to exercise and eat a healthy diet, which should make her feel better about herself from head to toe; and shopping with her for a new outfit or taking her on a salon trip for a new hairstyle — making relatively minor improvements and adjustments to one’s appearance can have a great impact on self-esteem.

Find more expert advice on teens and body image from the Center for Young Women’s Health, The InSite, Girls Inc., Uniquely Me, and breastimplantinfo.org.

Source: Grand Parents

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Safe Kids Safety Tip of the Week

By Safe Kids/PIO
July 13, 2009

Editor’s Note: Each week we will give you safety tips in different areas. We hope this helps you to keep our children safe: This week: Protecting our Babies. 

We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

 

Accidental injury is the number one killer of America’s children, taking more lives than disease, violence and suicide. Prevention is the cure. It’s estimated that by taking these and other simple precautions, almost all (90 percent) of these accidental injuries can be avoided.

Fragile, helpless and innocent, your infant enters the world completely dependent on you.  From the moment you leave the hospital, you take steps to keep her safe.  You buckle her tenderly into a rear-facing child safety seat for the ride home.  You check the bath temperature carefully before placing her in the water.  At night, you tuck her in to a new crib, with a label that assures you it meets national safety standards.  But could you be doing more? 

Although your home should be a safe haven for your baby, it can be dangerous.  Babies face a list of potential injuries – including choking, drowning, falls, poisons and burns – that can overwhelm any parent.  Yet each of these risks can be reduced or eliminated by taking simple, time-tested steps.  

The greatest gift you can give your baby is a safe environment.  Explore the links below to learn more.

To learn more about airway obstruction injury, falls and childhood unintentional poisioning read A Report to the Nation: Trends in Unintentional Childhood Injury Mortality, 1987-2000 (May 2003).

To purchase educational materials about specific risk areas, check out our Resource Catalog (off-site link). 

Test Your Knowledge Play the Safety Game

Source: Safe Kids USA

 

 

 

Homeschooling and Socialization of Children

By Apples4theteacher
July 7, 2009

Homeschooling is defined by Preiss (1989) as “the educational alternative in which parents/guardians assume the primary responsibility for the education of their children.” This Digest will offer some background information on homeschooling and discuss conflicting viewpoints culled from research on the socialization of home-schooled children.

 

RAPIDLY ESCALATING NUMBERS

While a Department of Education study in 1990-91 concluded that between 250,000 and 300,000 school-age children were being educated at home, “USA Today” recently cited the Home School Legal Defense Association figures for 1994 as between 750,000 and 1 million–up from only 15,000 in the early ’80s (Thomas, 1994). What is the reason for this explosion?

Mayberry (1991) pinpoints the gradual development of the modern state and public education as arenas which attempt to legitimate themselves by embodying the ideologies of many different public segments. She argues that by considering other agencies of socialization (in this case, the church or the family) as arenas which embody ideologies in contradiction to those transmitted by state institutions, the “context surrounding parental choice to home educate gains clearer focus.” She stresses that “…the decision to home school (or seek other forms of privatized education) represents a political response by people who perceive a threat in the current organization and content of public education.” Thus, the homeschooling movement is directly linked to the State’s struggle to balance contradictory imperatives (Mayberry, 1991).

 

BACKGROUND AND PROFESSIONAL RESOURCES

For historical background on homeschooling in America, both Bliss (1989) and Aiex (1994) provide enlightening information. Preiss (1989) offers a concise treatment of the legal aspects of homeschooling.

With the tremendous growth in numbers of the home schooled, there has been a corresponding growth in the market for homeschooling information–indeed, there are now myriad newsletters and books aimed at parents who home school, as well as at least one scholarly newsletter, “Home School Researcher.” According to Preiss (1989), “In 1987, in one home-schooling catalog alone, over 300 suppliers of home-schooling materials are listed.” With the explosion in homeschooling during the past few years, one can only imagine how large the network of professional suppliers of materials is by now.

The granddaddy of all the providers of courses for home study is the venerable Calvert School of Baltimore, which, for many years, was almost the only institution which offered correspondence courses below college level. It was founded in 1906 and has enrolled, through the years, upwards of 360,000 students in its home instruction courses. It has, of course, been joined by other entities in the past decade.

 

WHY PARENTS HOME SCHOOL

Parents home school for a wide variety of reasons–for example, many parents still live in areas where schools are not readily available (a number of rural areas and some parts of Alaska come to mind), and many parents are anxious about the physical well being of their children in an increasingly more violent school setting. Still others simply feel that they can give their children a better education at home. According to Mayberry (1991), however, two groups of parents home school primarily for ideological reasons:

• deeply religious parents
• “New Age” parents.

Mayberry surveyed 1600 Oregon families who home schooled, receiving a 35% response rate to her questions. Their responses led her to conclude that the two groups cited perceived homeschooling as an activity that provided them a way to reproduce their “way-of-life” by controlling the content of their children’s education. She reports: “…the meanings and values embodied in public education were not the ones that these parents wanted articulated to their children” (Mayberry, 1991).

 

SOCIALIZATION OF CHILDREN

Does the research show any clear-cut advantages or disadvantages to homeschooling, in relation to the social and emotional development of children schooled at home? Does the home-schooled youngster do as well in measures of interpersonal skills and communication skills as the conventionally schooled child?

The stereotypical home-schooled child is often portrayed as being shy, passive, and lethargic because of his/her isolation from the normal socialization found in formal schooling. Critics further allege that the self-concept of the home-schooled child suffers from lack of exposure to a more conventional environment (Stough, 1992).

Another socialization-related accusation faced by home educators is that of overprotecting their children from the real world. If this is true, however, at least one researcher (Bliss, 1989) does not consider this to be a serious problem. She argues that “Protection during early, developmental years for purposes of nurturing and growth is evident in many arenas: plant, animal, and aquatic. Why should it be considered wrong or bad in the most vital arena, human development?”

Stough (1992),looking particularly at socialization, compared 30 home-schooling families and 32 conventionally schooling families, families with children 7-14 years of age. According to the findings, children who were schooled at home “gained the necessary skills, knowledge, and attitudes needed to function in society…at a rate similar to that of conventionally schooled children.” The researcher found no difference in the self concept of children in the two groups. Stough maintains that “insofar as self concept is a reflector of socialization, it would appear that few home-schooled children are socially deprived, and that there may be sufficient evidence to indicate that some home-schooled children have a higher self concept than conventionally schooled children.”

This echoes the findings of Taylor (1987). Using one of the best validated self-concept scales available, Taylor’s random sampling of home-schooled children (45,000) found that half of these children scored at or above the 91st percentile–47% higher than the average, conventionally schooled child. He concludes: “Since self concept is considered to be a basic dynamic of positive sociability, this answers the often heard skepticism suggesting that home schoolers are inferior in socialization” (Taylor, 1987).

From the findings of these two studies, it would appear that the concerns expressed by teachers, administrators, and legislators about socialization and homeschooling might be unfounded. Indeed, Bliss (1989) contends that it is in the formal educational system’s setting that children first experience negative socialization, conformity, and peer pressure. According to her, “This is a setting of large groups, segmented by age, with a variation of authority figures…the individual, with his/her developmental needs, becomes overpowered by the expectations and demand of others–equal in age and equally developmentally needy.”

Webb (1989), one of the few researchers who has examined aspects of the adult lives of wholly or partly home-educated people, found that all who had attempted higher education were successful and that their socialization was often better than that of their schooled peers.

 

MORE RESEARCH IS NEEDED

At this point, more research on homeschooling is necessary–what we have is inconclusive about many of its aspects. Although more and deeper studies are certainly called for, the population to be studied is not readily accessible to researchers. And the types of research that can be done are still limited to case studies of families or to surveys of self- reports by participants.

Notably, the success or failure of the homeschooling experience depends inevitably on the success or failure of the family’s interpersonal relationships. Homeschooling is a complex issue and represents a tremendous commitment on the part of the parents–in most cases, the father must function as the sole breadwinner, and the mother must spend most of her time instructing her children.

For now, we will let Preiss (1989) have the last word. She says: “Because homeschooling contains so many diverse and changing factors, each family situation is unique. Yet there exists within the home-schooling community a sense of unity which transcends ideological, political, and religious concerns. That unity lies in the parents’ commitment to the education of their children, whose welfare is their primary concern.”

 

Source: Apples 4 The Teacher

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Recall – Drop Side Cribs

By Safe Kids
July 7, 2009

On July 2, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced the recall of 400,000 Simplicity drop side cribs due to suffocation risk.  The crib’s plastic hardware can break or deform, causing the drop side to detach. When the drop side detaches, it creates a space between the drop side and the crib mattress. Infants and toddlers can roll into this space and become entrapped, which can lead to suffocation.

The CPSC is aware of one death involving an 8-month-old who became entrapped between the drop side of the crib and the crib mattress and suffocated. The agency is also aware of 25 additional incidents involving the drop side detaching from the crib.  In two of the incidents, children became entrapped between the drop side and the crib mattress, but the children were not injured.

The cribs were sold at department stores, children’s stores, and mass merchandisers nationwide from January of 2005 through June of 2009 for between $150 and $300.

Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled cribs and find an alternative, safe sleeping environment for their baby.

For more information, including a list of model numbers, read the CPSC recall notice

The CPSC has also compiled a complete listing of Simplicity recalls

Source: USA Safekids

Editor’s Notes: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Kids Caught Middle When You Fight

By Stephanie O’Neill,
Special to LifeScript
July 1, 2009

Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Celebrity divorces may be juicy gossip, but the toll on them and their kids can be similar to what non-celebrity families experience.

These high-stakes splits serve to draw attention to a hotly debated form of emotional child abuse known as “parental alienation.” Mental health experts say such abuse occurs when one parent alienates a child against the other parent. It’s most apparent as a byproduct of hostile divorces, though it often starts in high-conflict marriages. How can you protect your child from a vindictive parent… or you?

We asked Dr. Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison (HarperCollins, 2001)…This phenomon reached its public peak in the Baldwin-Basinger custody battle, in which Baldwin famously left his daughter a voicemail message in which he called her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Basinger’s lawyers claimed the message was evidence of his inability to parent their pre-teen daughter. Baldwin, on the other hand, claimed his inappropriate words grew out of extreme frustration at his ex-wife’s long-term campaign to destroy his relationship with his daughter. In a public apology on his Web site, he wrote:

“I’m sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand…”

If you’ve been through a divorce or a polarized marriage, it’s very likely that you’ve been either the perpetrator or the target of parental alienation on some level. But what exactly does that mean?

Given little attention until recent years, parental alienation is now recognized by a growing number of psychologists and courts as a form of emotional child abuse. Parents can commit it consciously or subconsciously, and it ranges in degree from mild (complaints to a child about a parent) to extreme and ongoing (severe, systematic brainwashing).

“What is washed out of their brains is any awareness of positive, loving feelings for a parent,” writes Warshak, an international parental alienation expert. “All that remains is a catalog of complaints … about a parent who, in the past, had been a source of love and comfort.”

When extreme vindictiveness by one parent toward another gets re-directed through the children they share, it can have devastating effects not only on children and parents, but on the extended family, too.

Warshak explains that when parents use their children as agents in a systematic campaign to destroy each other (most common during high-conflict custody battles), the consequences are nothing short of devastating. They often last well into the child’s adult life. He estimates that several million people are now victims of parental alienation and that the numbers are growing.

 

Common Traits of Alienation
While experts in the field continue to debate treatment, they agree on these four hallmarks of seriously alienated children under the influence of a vindictive parent.

1. The child displays disrespectful behavior.
Children may stop greeting or talking to the targeted parent, avoid eye contact and shun the parent and his or her family members. They may also disregard rules and boundaries set by the targeted parent.

In more serious cases, Warshak says, the child may go so far as to spit on a parent, act violently toward the parent and show disrespect by calling the targeted parent by their first name rather than “Mom” or “Dad.” The child may also show uncharacteristically high levels of contempt and cruelty to the alienated parent. Warshak says that the alienating parent typically promotes this behavior by championing it as the child’s right to express himself or herself.

 

2. The child’s behavior contrasts sharply with his or her past behavior.
Parental alienation is most obvious in cases where a child and parent have had a warm, loving relationship that for no rational reason ends or deteriorates severely. This is different from children who have a longstanding poor relationship with a parent or who have good cause to break ties with a parent, neither of which suggests parental alienation. “In some cases when children reject a parent they are doing so because of that parent’s behavior… and the child has a good reason,” Warshak tells LifeScript.

 

3. There is no rational basis for the behavior change.
“When you ask the children why they are behaving differently, they give very trivial reasons that just don’t add up,” Warshak says. In his book, he gives an example of a child who became estranged from her mother because the mother was “always telling me to brush my teeth.”

In the most extreme cases, children are encouraged by an alienating parent to lob unfounded allegations of abuse. A 1999 Florida Law Review article, citing a study of 700 high-conflict divorces over 12 years, found alienating parents commonly engaged in allegations of emotional abuse “presumably because physical abuse leaves visible evidence. It is, of course, much easier to falsely accuse someone of something that leaves no physical sign and has no third-party witnesses,” the article noted.

 

4. The child fears angering or wants to protect an alienating parent.
Alienating parents often overtly or covertly control the child by withholding love and approval or by playing the victim who needs protection from the other parent. The motivations and techniques are numerous, Warshak says, and they cross gender lines.

“If there is one underlying unity among parents who do this to children, it’s that they seem unwilling or unable to inhibit destructive behavior,” Warshak says. Often an alienating parent’s preoccupation with hurting the ex-spouse – or the spouse within a marriage – supercedes all rational behavior. “It’s as if they don’t have a clear sense that what their children need is different than what they need.”

What to Do If You’ve Been Targeted As a Parent You may feel tempted to lash back at a child whom you believe is being disrespectful and hurtful toward you. But as Baldwin – who was blocked from contacting his daughter after his outburst – learned, that’s the wrong thing to do.

 

1. Keep your cool.

“Getting angry with the child … is an understandable reaction because parents are not prepared for the level of mistreatment and contempt [from their child],” Warshak says. But not only is it hurtful to your child, it also confirms the message the alienating parent is giving him or her.

 

2. Drop the lectures.
When a child is programmed by one parent to disrespect the other, lectures on proper behavior fall on deaf ears. Worse, they diminish the time you could spend enjoying each other’s company. Minimize the attention you pay to your child’s poor behavior; instead, focus on positive things.

 

3. Acknowledge your child’s feelings.
When a child expresses emotions you suspect were planted by the other parent, don’t dismiss his or her feelings. It will only entrench the child’s alienation. Chances are, he’ll claim the feelings are his or her own and not the other parent’s. Instead, Warshak suggests, acknowledge the feelings when the child expresses them, but don’t allow them to take center stage. Respond by saying something like, “I can see that you don’t want to be here. But what can we do today that will be fun for both of us?”

 

4. Remain calm.
If your child tells you bad things your spouse or ex-spouse has said about you, don’t get upset and don’t bad-mouth him in return. Talking trash about parents scars children. Calmly ask children how they feel about the comments they heard and tell them you understand how painful and stressful it can be to hear such talk.

 

5. Don’t under-react.
“Many parents, following the advice of a therapist, will under-react by allowing children to repeat lies about [them],” Warshak says. A better solution: Help your child deal with the untruths and maintain as much custody time as possible with him or her.

“It’s important to express love and affection, despite the child’s denigration,” Warshak says. “Children who later reconcile [with the targeted parent] say the thing that helped them was to know that the parent never gave up on them despite how horribly [the targeted parent] was mistreated.”

Want to learn more? Get your own copy of Divorce Poison.

 

Are Your Kids Caught Between You and Your Ex?

There are few things more painful than losing a child to an angry ex-spouse intent on revenge at any cost. But identifying the signs of parental alienation and taking the correct action will help you avoid making matters worse. Take this parenting quiz to find out how to best protect you and your kids.

Source: Life Script

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

The 6 Things That Can Hurt Others

By Grandparents/PIO
July 1, 2009

 

Even well-intentioned grandparents can put their feet in their mouths. We’ve identified six of the absolute worst things a grandparent can say, along with tips for saying the right thing at the right time.

 

1. I have the perfect name for the baby!

You may have strong feelings about your expected grandchild’s name, but don’t demand that the parents follow your request; it’s bound to result in conflict. However, if you have a compelling reason for suggesting a name, such as a family tradition, or honoring a relative who was important to you, there are ways to bring it up nonconfrontationally.

 

 

2. You’re doing it wrong!

Variations on this theme include: “That’s not how I used to do it!” and “You really shouldn’t do that!” The “it” or “that” can be anything from giving a newborn a bath to washing a toddler’s clothes to disciplining a preschooler. Remember, your adult children still think of you as Mom or Dad, and your disapproval is perceived as criticism, just as it was when they were kids. Find out how to voice your opinions in a more constructive way.

 

 

3. You have to spend the holidays here!

Putting a guilt trip on your kids and their spouses is never a good idea, especially around the holidays. They are probably feeling enough stress about where to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other holidays for a number of reasons, including the cost; the difficulty of traveling with young children; which spouse’s “turn” it is to see family; and the urge to plan a getaway of their own. Follow these tips to avoid anxiety and make the best of the situation.

 

 

4. You’re going to let them eat THAT?

Your children have put some serious thought into how to feed their kids, and your criticizing their decisions may invite a knee-jerk, hostile response. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would have reacted if your parents had criticized how you fed your kids when they were growing up. Instead of making your adult children second-guess themselves, serve your grandkids the foods you think are best for them when they come visit. They may just turn out to like them and ask their parents to offer them the same dishes.

 

 

5. What do you mean, ‘No baptism’?

A religious rite of passage like a baptism or a bris can be a beautiful way to uphold a tradition and welcome a baby into the world – if the parents choose to do it. But only your grandchildren’s parents can determine the child’s religious upbringing, and if you want to avoid uncomfortable clashes that could lead to your being locked out of holiday celebrations in the years ahead, you must respect their decisions. If this frustrates you, our therapist suggests some ways to deal.

 

6. Don’t be so uptight!

The best part of being a grandparent is that you get to break the rules. When you watch the kids, you can let them eat junk food, stay up late, watch TV, and generally do whatever makes them happy. Could you imagine taking this attitude all the time if they were your own kids? Neither can their parents. Let them set the rules for everyday life.

Have YOU ever said anything on this list? Think we left something out? Join the discussion!

Source: Grandparents

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

 

 

Baby Products Are Really Safe?

By Michelle Crouch
June 26, 2009

Some devices that are supposed to protect children can actually put them in danger. Find out which nine products are harmful and how to protect your child.

Plastic Outlet Covers

The Risk: Outlet covers help prevent your child from getting electrocuted, but small plastic plug-in models can pose a deadly choking hazard. Even if the caps seem to fit snugly, they tend to loosen with use.

Safe Strategy: Get covers that screw into the wall and slide shut when outlets aren’t in use, or block unused outlets with furniture. The Home Safety Council recommends that if you use plug-in covers, you should look for ones that are too big to fit through a toilet-paper tube, or choose devices that you must twist or squeeze to remove.

Bath Seats and Rings

The Risk: They help babies sit up in the bathtub, but if you leave a baby alone in one — even for a few seconds — he can drown. The seats, which typically stick to the tub with suction cups, have been blamed for 123 drownings since 1983, according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). The suction cups can suddenly release, causing babies to tip over or slide between the legs of the ring and become trapped underwater.

Safe Strategy: Consider using a small plastic tub instead. Always keep babies within arm’s reach in the bath. “You should never leave a baby alone in the bath, even for a moment,” says Denise Dowd, MD, an emergency-room pediatrician at Children’s Mercy Hospital, in Kansas City, Missouri.

Wipes Warmers

The Risk: Several warmers have been recalled because they pose a potential electrocution and fire hazard, and others have scorched furniture. “There have just been too many fires and reports of problems,” says consumer advocate Alan Fields, who advises against these products in his book Baby Bargains. “It’s an unnecessary risk for something most kids can do without.”

Safe Strategy: If you use a warmer, follow the instructions carefully, especially if they recommend adding water. If it’s not brand new, check cpsc.gov to make sure that the model hasn’t been recalled. The best solution? Just hold wipes in your hands for a few minutes to warm them up.

Crib Bumpers

The Risk: While pads keep babies from bumping their heads, they may be risky. “Once a baby is able to roll, she can press her face against a bumper and suffocate,” says Laura Reno, spokesperson for First Candle, a national SIDS nonprofit organization. Older babies and toddlers can also use the pads to climb out of their cribs.

Safe Strategy: The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) advises choosing ones that are thin, firm, and well secured. Be sure to remove them once children can roll or, at the latest, when they can stand up in a crib. It’s best to avoid them altogether.

Seat-Belt Positioners

The Risk: Kids get annoyed when their shoulder seat belt rides up too high, but seat-belt positioners may actually interfere with proper fit, warns the AAP and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA). “There is no safety standard for these add-on devices, and we discourage parents from using them,” says Sandy Sinclair, a safety specialist with the NHTSA.

Safe Strategy: If children too short for a regular seat belt, they should be using a booster seat that has a built-in belt positioner. Experts recommend that children ride in a booster seat until they are 4’9″ or at least 8 years old.

Bed Rails

The Risk: Portable bed rails have caused the deaths of 18 children since 1990, according to the CPSC. Most were children under age 2 who got trapped in a gap between the bed rail and mattress. The CPSC recently revised the rail standards. Most new bed rails won’t pull away from the mattress, creating a dangerous gap.

Safe Strategy: Wait until children are at least 2 and able to climb in and out of bed before use. Use them only on full-size twin beds with a mattress and box springs, not on toddler beds or bunk beds. (Many toddler and bunk beds come with attached rails, which are safe.) Check the rails every night to make sure they’re snug against the mattress.

Baby Rearview Mirrors

The Risk: Although it’s certainly comforting to be able to see babies when in a rear-facing car seat, some paramedics are worried that one of these mirrors, like other loose objects in a vehicle, could become a dangerous projectile in a crash. Models that attach to the rear-seat headrest with just a suction cup are particularly risky, according to Matt Levy, national director of the International Association of EMTs and Paramedics.

Safe Strategy: Look for a mirror that’s lightweight, with cushioning or rounded edges. And make sure it’s tightly attached.

Copyright © 2009 Meredith Corporation.

All content on this Web site, including medical opinion and any other health-related information, is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be a specific diagnosis or treatment plan for any individual situation. Use of this site and the information contained herein does not create a doctor-patient relationship. Always seek the direct advice of your own doctor in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your own health or the health of others.

Source: Parents.com

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

Family Communication

By Mvparents
June 25, 2009

 

Sometimes getting a teenager to talk is harder than getting a cat to follow instructions. And when things aren’t going well, talking sounds more like shouting. Nothing you say seems to register.

But it’s not always that way. Just when you least expect it, your kids share something unexpected and you rediscover the joy of glancing into the world of a maturing young adult.

 Facts from Search Institute

• Only 30 percent of middle and high school-aged students surveyed report having positive family communication, including being willing to seek their parents’ advice and counsel.
• Positive family communication is much more common among younger kids than older teenagers; while 47 percent of sixth graders report positive family communication, only 22 percent of high school seniors do.

 
The Asset Advantage

The Developmental Assets form a framework for talking about all of the “good stuff” in our kids’ lives, from the people who support and care for them to the values and priorities that guide them. Having positive conversations about the important things in life makes it easier to bring up tough topics, such as alcohol and drug use or sexual activity.

Ideas You Can Use Every Day

Stay Connected

• Talk about the Everyday Stuff Every Day – If your kids learn that they can trust you with the “little stuff,” they are more likely to come to you with the “big stuff.”

 

• Create Times for Talking – Expect everyone to have a family meal together. Turn off the radio while you are driving. Play a board game instead of watching television.

 

• Be Approachable – If kids think that they will get a lecture or be judged every time they bring up an idea or a personal experience, they will be hesitant to communicate. Try to listen without judging and to ask questions without accusing. Show that you understand what your children are feeling by sharing similar experiences.

 

• Take Concerns Seriously – Sometimes it is easy to dismiss children’s concerns or worries because, from an adult perspective, they are not important. However, it is important that you not take them lightly, laugh at, or tease them. If it is important to your children, empathize and listen. They will learn that they can come to you about other things-some of which you will think are really important.

 

• Start Now – You do not have to wait for an “important” conversation to have a good conversation. Find times to talk with your children every day about both trivial and important issues, and when you have these conversations, really listen to what they have to say.

 
Be Intentional
 

• Be Patient – Whether they are tired or upset, sometimes your children are not ready to talk. Give yourself and your children time and space, but do not make it an excuse to avoid conversation.

 

         * Listen for More than the Words – What your children are “saying” may not come out in words. It may show through body language, tone, or other actions. Listen carefully and try to understand the feelings behind the words, not just the words themselves.

 

         *Think Through the Tough Conversations – Sometimes you need to have difficult conversations. When the time comes, think it through in advance. What do you want to say? Which questions do you need to ask? What can you do to make it go as well as possible?

 
Be Creative

• Do Something Else – Many people do not like “just talking.” They have better conversations when they are shooting hoops, putting together a puzzle, hiking in the mountains, or working on a service project. Doing things together that both you and your children enjoy may be the best way to get a conversation going.

 

• Communicate without Talking – There are many ways to communicate that you care besides talking. If your children do not want to talk, leave a caring note, send a friendly e-mail, or just sit by their bed and give them a backrub. You do not have to say anything to communicate how much you care.

 
Maintain Perspective

• Give Them Time – Sometimes kids need space to work through things and figure out who they are. Give them time and space, but always let them know that you are there, you care for them, and you are ready and willing to listen.

 

• Be Patient – Sometimes you and your children will say things that you regret. Other times, you will miss opportunities for a great conversation. Relax-this is perfectly normal. Despite the fact that you may already have a hard time talking, remember that you can always start a new conversation, even a simple one, that can help get you back on track. Learn, forgive, and try again.

Source: MVparents

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com

7 Hints for Kids in Childcare

By Claire Lerner
May 18, 2009

What parents can do to smooth the transition between caregivers for their toddlers.

Q. We are moving and will be switching childcare centers. How can we help our 18-month-old son say goodbye to his current teacher (someone he adores) and transition to the new center?

A. Transitions can be hard for young children, especially toddlers who are, by nature, not fond of change. Being sensitive to the fact that this will be difficult for him, especially because he will also be dealing with the house move, is the most important first step.

Toddlers don’t have a firm grasp on time, so don’t start talking about the change in childcare until a week or two before the change will take place. Talking about the center change too far in advance may just create more anxiety. In addition, while 18-month-olds do understand a lot, and certainly understand more than they can actually say, they can’t begin to fully comprehend complex ideas such as making this kind of social transition by words alone.

Here are some ways to help him accept the change:

1. Ask your child’s current teacher to write some brief notes about your son to share with his new caregiver. Some important issues to cover would be: how he handles transitions (does she do anything special to help with this?); what his routines are for naptimes and mealtimes; how to comfort him; and what his favorite toys, books, and activities are. Sharing this information with your son’s new caregiver helps to ensure some consistency in his life during a period of great changes and can ease the transition into a new childcare setting.

2. Read books with him about making changes. Hearing about the similar experiences of others can be a powerful way for young children to make sense of their own situation and may help them feel less alone.

3. Create ways to help your child remember and hold on to the old center in his mind. Take photos of the teacher, the room, the playground, his friends, his favorite toys, and create a memory book for him to look at.

 

More Ways to Smooth Childcare Transitions

4. Ask his teacher if there is something special she can give to your son — such as a cuddly stuffed animal — that he can take to the new center for comfort when he needs it. This kind of transitional object can help your son hold his old caregiver in his mind and provide the comfort he needs to adapt to his new setting. While some parents worry that these remembrances from the old center will be more upsetting and interfere with the transition, in fact, such keepsakes are very important. They help children remember and honor their experience in a special place. They also give children permission to express their feelings of loss and sadness, which is key to helping them move on and adapt to what comes next.

5. Have a special goodbye ritual for his last day. You can bring in his favorite snack or music tape and have a small party to celebrate his time there. Marking partings like this is important for helping children say goodbye.

6. If possible, take him to see the new childcare center several times before he makes the actual transition. Let him explore the room where he will be cared for and meet the caregivers.

7. During the first week in the new center, stay with him for an hour or two each morning. Gradually decrease the time you stay until you simply drop him off by the end of the week. He will take his cues from you; if you interact warmly with the new teachers and other children, he will know that the new center is a good and trusted place.

Taking a thoughtful and incremental approach will help your son successfully adjust to his new childcare setting. It will also help him learn how to cope with future changes as he grows.

Claire Lerner, LCSW, is a child development specialist at Zero to Three, a national nonprofit promoting the healthy development of babies and toddlers (zerotothree.org).

Originally published in American Baby magazine, July 2005

Source: Parents

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