Grandchildren Need Work

by Adair Lara
May 18, 2009

Painting a room gives one grandmother a break from the playground grind.
Okay, I do take my grandkids to the playground, where I push them on the swings beside all the parents who push children with one hand while manipulating their Black Berrys with the other.

Fresh air exercise, all that I get it.

But I don’t like playgrounds. They’re made-up worlds with weird spongy stuff underfoot and too many things to duck under. And the slides nowadays are more like long polished downward oozes than slides, as the fun-spoilers have made sure no one goes too fast on them.

My thinking is this: Instead of my following the kids to Kid land, why don’t they follow me to Adult land? It’s a much more interesting place, and they’ll live in it eventually anyway, so why not take an excursion there now? My dad took me to building sites with him and to this day, I can pound a nail straight, not to mention I still love the heavenly smell of freshly cut two-by-fours.

So when I was asked to take the two grandkids for the day a couple of Mondays ago, I didn’t let the fact that I was painting an apartment that day stop me. (It was a day off from school – “teacher training.”)

Off we went in my Jetta, which was filled with drop cloths, paint rollers, the girls, and the dog, to the apartment I was getting ready to rent out after finally dislodging my ex-son-in-law from it by getting him to move in with my son.

The girls were dubious at first about the idea of a day spent “learning to paint.”

“I already paint at my school every single morning,” 3-year-old Maggie pointed out.

“Is it work like cleaning my room? Because I hate cleaning my room,” 5-year-old Ryan chimed in.

It took only five minutes at the small three-bedroom to change their minds. Maggie was dazzled by the idea of painting an entire wall. Ryan found a tiny paint roller her own size and plunged it into the tan paint the three of us had compromised on as a color for the bedroom. The girls used their best Dora the Explorer Spanish – they believe they’re fluent – to chat with and fire questions at Carlos and Joel, the men from El Salvador I hired to do some additional work on the apartment. “Dónde hola buenas dias!”

The girls that morning had elected to wear their red velvet Christmas dresses, a choice I always approve because velvet blocks the San Francisco wind so well. They scorned my offer of their dad’s T-shirts to keep the paint off, on the grounds that the shirts would cover up the pretty dresses.

What an educational day! Ryan learned about primer, and about wiping the brush on the edge of the paint can before aiming it at the wall. Maggie learned that it’s better to put your paint roller together before you dunk it in paint, and also that, when you’re finally persuaded to take off your red velvet Christmas dress, it’s best to take off your green plastic gloves dripping with Bronco Beige first. I learned that Bronco Beige will not come out of red velvet, and that a rag and Windex will get most of the paint out of a wall-to-wall carpet, but not off an antique armoire.

All in all, it was a great day, and I did not have to go to the park, play “store,” assemble tiny plastic corrals, or pretend ten times in a row to be getting a puppy who looked like Maggie out of the pound. (We keep a cardboard box in the closet for just that purpose.)

When the kids, the dog, and I returned home in the late afternoon, we were tired and happy, filled with the satisfaction of a job if not well done, then at least eagerly attempted. Mom got to work all day, where I imagine she Googled the best approaches for getting Bronco Beige out of little girls’ hair.

 Source: Grand Parents

 

 

Should You Pay Kids for Good Grades?

by Tara Welty
May. 11, 2009
When grandchildren bring home straight A’s, do you open your arms or your wallet?

The reward for a thing well done, is to have done it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The idea of hard work being its own reward may have held sway in Emerson’s late 19th-century America, but 21st-century U.S. schools have embraced rewards including cash and iPods to “incentivize” kids to stay in school and get good grades. In New York, Massachusetts, Texas, and elsewhere, school districts are paying kids for perfect attendance, improved standardized-test scores, or for reading a certain number of books. Administrators say that they hope the rewards will inspire students to achieve.

Cash incentives may be new for public-school systems, but thousands of grandparents like Ned and Inga Book of State College, Penn., have been rewarding kids for bringing home good report cards for years.  “We try to monitor how school is going and what courses they are taking. We pay for A’s and B’s at report-card time,” says Inga, 75. She and Ned, 77, have five grandchildren, ages 8 to 21, and she believes the kids appreciate the rewards as “recognition of their hard work.”

What’s the Best Reward?

Not all grandparents, however, believe cash is the best motivator of young students. In the national debate over cash incentives in schools, critics point out that there’s little evidence that such rewards lead to stronger student performance, and argue that at some point, all successful pupils must learn to study for the love of learning. Some grandparents agree. Diane and Gary Parmelee of Naples, Fla., “pile on the praise” when one of their four grandchildren brings home a great report card, says Diane, 62. “That’s all they really want from me, and I believe it makes them want to keep on doing their best.”

Diane Parmelee, who has been a classroom teacher at various grade levels for 36 years, believes that “no amount of praise or rewards can match the reward that you give yourself when you know you’ve done your best or excelled in something.”

Ellen Cerniglia, associate professor of education at the graduate school of Touro College in New York City, acknowledges that incentives are “in many ways effective,” but cautions that “children often begin to look for bigger or more substantial rewards as time goes on.”

Be Consistent

So should you reward your grandchildren for doing well in school? “The answer depends on the individual situation and family relationship,” says Virginia Shiller, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at the Yale Child Study Center, the coauthor of Rewards for Kids!: Ready-To-Use Charts & Activities for Positive Parenting (Magination Press, 2003), and the producer of the Rewards for Kids website. Before you start doling out cash, she recommends working with your grandchildren’s parents to develop a plan for rewards. “Be sure that the children’s parents are enthusiastic about your plan,” she says. “You may be well-intentioned, but if your reward plan contradicts the parents’ view about how to help the children, there could be trouble.”

However you choose to reward kids for their work in school, Shiller urges you to consider the ways incentives could work fairly for all your grandchildren. After all, each grandchild is unique and has different abilities. If some grandchildren breeze through school with straight A’s but others struggle to get C’s, consider rewarding the struggling students for any improvements on their report card, rather than withholding rewards because they didn’t get A’s. In consultation with parents, Shiller recommends setting individual goals that are “realistic and attainable for each child,” and rewarding not just results but hard work as well.

Both Shiller and Cerniglia stress that your rewards can take different forms – many grandparents give kids money, others stick to praise, but some reward kids for their work in school with special one-on-one activities. Shiller approves: “Grandparents may have the luxury of time that working parents lack, and these activities may create lasting memories and stronger relationships.”

As with any element of grandparenting, the key is finding what makes you comfortable and what works best for your family. For the Books, cash prizes work well. The kids “look forward to showing us their report cards,” Inga says, and as for the children’s parents, “I haven’t heard any complaints!”

Source: Grandparents

Talking to Your Child About Drugs

By Laura Broadwell
May 11, 2009

Children today are exposed to tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs at increasingly younger ages. The media is rife with images that promote smoking and drinking as “cool,” fun, and a natural part of life. That’s why, more than ever, parents need to talk to their kids about the perils of drugs and help them separate fact from fiction. But how do you get started?

According to experts, it’s best to develop an ongoing dialogue with your child — starting in the preschool years if possible — and to look for spontaneous, everyday situations, or “teachable moments,” in which to lay the groundwork for open, honest communication. The best news? Research shows that children who hear the facts about drugs and alcohol from their parents are significantly less likely to use them. Here’s how to begin.

Ages 3 to 5

During the preschool years, children have strong ties to their family and seek their parents’ approval. This is a great time to teach kids about good nutrition, proper hygiene, and developing a healthy lifestyle. It’s also a good time to help children develop the decision-making and problem-solving skills they’ll need later in life. Between the ages of 3 and 5:

Talk to your child about the joys of healthy living. Discuss how good she feels when she’s eaten a nutritious meal, gotten enough rest, and taken care of her body. Talk about how a healthy child can run, jump, and play for hours on end.

Allow your child to make some decisions. Whenever possible, let your child make simple choices, such as what to wear or what to have for lunch. Even if his clothes are slightly mismatched, or he asks for peanutbutter and jelly yet again, it’s important now to reinforce his ability to make decisions.

Encourage your child to be responsible for her health and well-being. Turn chores such as brushing teeth, putting away toys, wiping up spills, and caring for pets into fun experiences your child will enjoy. Break down the activities into manageable steps so that she learns to develop plans and solve problems.

Teach your child about dangerous substances in his environment. Point out poisonous substances in your home, such as bleach or kitchen cleansers, and read the product warning labels out loud to your child. Explain that harmful substances don’t always come with such “warnings,” and that your child should only ingest a food or prescribed medication that either you, a relative, or other known caregiver has given him.

Ages 5 to 8

As children enter school and spend more time around their peers, they become more influenced by the media and world around them. They’re open now to new ideas and messages but definitely need your help to make sense of all this information. Between the ages of 5 and 8:

Let your child know how you feel about tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs. Keep your discussions factual and focused on the present. (Future consequences are too distant to have any meaning.) Let them know, for instance, that being high on alcohol or drugs makes it harder to play ball, finish a puzzle, or do other things they enjoy, and that smoking causes bad breath.

Talk to your child about drug-related messages in the media. Some TV shows, movies, music videos, and ads glamorize the use of tobacco, alcohol, or drugs. Ask your child whether these vehicles make drugs seem cool and acceptable, or whether they also show their downside. Encourage your child to ask questions or share concerns about the things he’s seeing and hearing.

Set clear family rules about drug use, and examine your own actions. Tell children why you don’t want them to take drugs, smoke, or drink. And always try to be a good role model. Your actions speak louder than words.

Help kids build problem-solving skills. If your child is having trouble with homework, a friendship, or a bully at school, help her pinpoint the problem and find long-term solutions. Point out that “quick fixes” don’t work. If it’s hard for your child to have a one-on-one conversation with you, have her paint or draw a picture, write a story, or send an e-mail to a trusted friend or relative.

Get to know your child’s friends and their parents. Check in by phone or visit every once in a while to make sure that these families share the same values as you do about tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. (This is a good rule to follow when your child gets older as well.)

Ages 8 and Up

During the tween and preteen years, children may begin to assert their independence and question your authority, but they need your input and advice more than ever. In fact, when it comes to the issue of drug use, this is one of the most important times in a child’s life. Beginning at age 8:

Make sure your child knows your rules about drug use and the consequences if they’re broken. Kids this age can understand the reason for rules and appreciate having limits in place (whether or not they’ll admit it!). What’s more, research shows that children are less likely to use tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs if their parents have established a pattern of setting clear rules and consequences for breaking them.

Teach your child how to say “no” to drugs. Kids who don’t know how to respond when offered alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, or who don’t know how to get out of sticky situations, are more likely to give in to peer pressure. Act out some real-life situations with your child and brainstorm solutions for what she can say. For instance: “My mom (or dad) would kill me if I smoked a cigarette,” or “No thanks. I don’t do drugs.” Also, be sure your child knows that she shouldn’t continue friendships with kids who have offered her drugs.

Help build your child’s self-esteem. Puberty can erode your child’s self-confidence and cause him at times to feel insecure, doubtful, and vulnerable to peer pressure. During these years, give your child lots of positive reinforcement and praise him for both his efforts and his successes.

Give your child the power to make decisions that go against his peers. Encourage your child to pick out the sneakers that he likes, for example, rather than the pair that many of his friends have. Or urge your daughter to hang out with true friends rather than with kids in the cool crowd.

Base drug- and alcohol-related messages on facts — not fear. Kids this age love to learn facts (even strange ones) about all kinds of things. You can take advantage of their passion for learning to reinforce your message about drugs.

Keep your conversations in “present tense.” Tweens and preteens aren’t concerned with future problems that might result from experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs. On the other hand, they are concerned about their appearance, sometimes to the point of obsession. So if they believe that drug use will impair their looks or health, they might be likely to avoid these practices. You can also tell them that cigarettes can cause smelly hair and “ashtray breath” or that their performance in the school play or on the football team will suffer if they are high on marijuana.

Help children separate reality from fantasy. Watch TV and movies with your kids, and ask lots of questions to reinforce the distinction between what is real and make-believe. Remember to talk about advertising, too, as those messages are especially powerful.

Encourage healthy, creative activities. Look for ways to get your child involved in sports, hobbies, school clubs, and other activities that reduce boredom and excess free time. Encourage positive friendships and interests, and look for activities that you and your child can do together.

Sources: Partnership for a Drug-Free America; The Nemours Foundation; American Academy of Pediatrics

The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. It’s not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child’s condition.

Source: American Baby

Helping Kids Deal With Bullies

by Michelle New, PhD
May 12, 2009

Each day, 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a fifth-grader, who was threatening to beat him up if he didn’t pay.

Kayla, 13, thought things were going well at her new school, since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her on a website. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurse’s office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.

Unfortunately, the kind of bullying that Seth and Kayla experienced is widespread. In national surveys, most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school.

A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars that last for life. And in extreme situations, it can culminate in violent threats, property damage, or someone getting seriously hurt.

If your child is being bullied, there are ways to help him or her cope with it on a day-to-day basis and lessen its lasting impact. And even if bullying isn’t an issue right in your house right now, it’s important to discuss it so your kids will be prepared if it does happen.

What Is Bullying?

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use email, chat rooms, instant messages, social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or hurt their feelings.

It’s important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids’ sense of self-worth and future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as school shootings.

Why Do Kids Bully?

Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim – someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way – to feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes kids torment others because that’s the way they’ve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, or calls names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness – people are “voted off,” shunned, or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.

Signs of Bullying

Unless your child tells you about bullying – or has visible bruises or injuries – it can be difficult to figure out if it’s happening.

But there are some warning signs. You might notice your child acting differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping well, or doing the things that he or she usually enjoys. When kids seem moodier or more easily upset than usual, or when they start avoiding certain situations, like taking the bus to school, it may be because of a bully.

If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter, asking “What do you think of this?” or “What do you think that person should have done?” This might lead to questions like: “Have you ever seen this happen?” or “Have you ever experienced this?” You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family member had at that age.

Let your child know that if he or she is being bullied – or sees it happening to someone else – it’s important to talk to someone about it, whether it’s you, another adult (a teacher, school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.

Helping Kids

If your child tells you about a bully, focus on offering comfort and support, no matter how upset you are. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying. They feel embarrassed and ashamed that it’s happening. They worry that their parents will be disappointed.

Each day, 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a fifth-grader, who was threatening to beat him up if he didn’t pay.

Kayla, 13, thought things were going well at her new school, since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her on a website. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurse’s office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.

Unfortunately, the kind of bullying that Seth and Kayla experienced is widespread. In national surveys, most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school.

A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars that last for life. And in extreme situations, it can culminate in violent threats, property damage, or someone getting seriously hurt.

If your child is being bullied, there are ways to help him or her cope with it on a day-to-day basis and lessen its lasting impact. And even if bullying isn’t an issue right in your house right now, it’s important to discuss it so your kids will be prepared if it does happen.

What Is Bullying?

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use email, chat rooms, instant messages, social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or hurt their feelings.

It’s important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids’ sense of self-worth and future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as school shootings.

Sometimes kids feel like it’s their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn’t be happening. Sometimes they’re scared that if the bully finds out that they told, it will get worse. Others are worried that their parents won’t believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back when they’re scared to.

Praise your child for being brave enough to talk about it. Remind your child that he or she isn’t alone – a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that it’s the bully who is behaving badly – not your child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.

Sometimes an older sibling or friend can help deal with the situation. It may help your daughter to hear how the older sister she idolizes was teased about her braces and how she dealt with it. An older sibling or friend may also be able to give you some perspective on what’s happening at school, or wherever the bullying is happening, and help you figure out the best solution.

Take it seriously if your hear that the bullying will get worse if the bully finds out that your child told. Sometimes it’s useful to approach the bully’s parents. In other cases, teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you’ve tried those methods and still want to speak to the bullying child’s parents, it’s best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.

Many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your child’s safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.

Advice for Kids

The key to helping kids is providing strategies that deal with bullying on an everyday basis and also help restore their self-esteem and regain a sense of dignity.

It may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all, you’re angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to “stand up for yourself” when you were young. And you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully.

But it’s important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it’s best to walk away from the situation, hang out with others, and tell an adult.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better:

• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don’t go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you’re not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess – wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
• Hold the anger. It’s natural to get upset by the bully, but that’s what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it’s a useful skill for keeping off of a bully’s radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice “cool down” strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to weara “poker face” until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you’re showing that you don’t care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can’t fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.
• Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he’s trying to get your music player, don’t bring it to school.

Reaching Out

At home you can lessen the impact of the bullying. Encourage your kids to get together with friends that help build their confidence. Help them meet other kids by joining clubs or sports programs. And find activities that can help a child feel confident and strong. Maybe it’s a self-defense class like karate or a movement or other gym class.

And just remember: as upsetting as bullying can be for you and your family, lots of people and resources are available to help.

Source: Kids Health

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