Teen Connection on Mother’s Day

By Tracey Jackson
May 9, 2010

Why are there so many closed doors in our house?
Who’s on the other side?
Teenagers are allusive
they’re always avoiding
Why do they feel they must hide?
Though we’ve been told someday they’ll
out grow it
we’ll have to just wait and see
Someday we’ll find it
The Teenage Connection
My child, my heartbeat and me

 

Now I just took some serious liberties with my friend Paul Williams’ amazing song The Rainbow Connection.

But being that this blog is for the Partnership for Drug-Free America and the fact that he is so involved in the sobriety movement, he won’t care.

Today  is Mother’s Day, which means mothers are being paid attention to whether the attention givers really want to or not.

Families are taking Grandma out to brunch despite the fact that she may aggressively quiz them about hair length, tattoos, drug experimentation and love choices.

Mothers are being given breakfast in bed, handmade cards and if Zale’s has their way, lots of diamonds.

Even teenagers are venturing out of their caves (a.k.a. their rooms) with a few if not cheery, hopefully coherent words of affection and appreciation — though they may be simultaneously texting as they recite them.

And then the whole family will sit through a meal, though the teens may be texting while eating. 

Yet they are honoring mom despite the fact they might not have spoken more than seven full sentences to her in the last week.

Mind you this is not all kids nor is it all families. Some are better and some are much worse. 

But the average teenager is about as interested in interacting with their parents as Obama is in becoming a Birthed.

It often starts around 13, when they pretend they don’t know you in public — unless of course your credit card is on its way out of your wallet and headed in their direction. 

And pretty much everything you say – unless it is “yes” to an unreasonable request– is considered lame.

By 15 their rooms are their sanctuaries and often times its Enter at Your Own Risk, or just plain Stay Away.

When you do enter and attempt a “normal” conversation that could start with something as simple as “Do you have much homework?” you get volleyed back, “Why do you always have to tell me what to do? I can run my own life!”

Psychologists talk about their frontal lobes being underdeveloped; I feel like their ears have some filter system in place where every phrase uttered by a parent is turned into an insult.

“It’s cold out today, you might want a sweater” is met with an angry, “Why do you have to be so controlling?”

At this point when connections are not happening everything feels misinterpreted and an air of alienation hangs over the family.

This is a very frustrating period for both parents and kids. They are branching out and carving their independence and usually without much regard for our feelings: they have to do it, but it’s not easy for us to watch the person we knew disappear like a ghost.

Consequently we end up either confronting them with what we perceive to be (and often is) their rudeness, which only escalates into more rudeness and more shutting down or we go off, tail between our legs to lick our wounded feelings in silence, and stew.

What I found has worked the best in our house is when Taylor gives me the vibe that she is in a bad, introspective, or a I-want-to-be-left-alone mood, I just leave her be.

I learned to respect her need to be away from not just me, but all authority figures, and many people. 

This means not taking it personally — not an easy thing for me to do — but I find when I do this, she somehow gets that I am acknowledging her individuation from me.

By not taking it personally, she does not become defensive.

By my ignoring her and doing my own thing, she eventually reappears on her time, in her way, and the space is then free for connection.

Try not to ask “What’s wrong? 

What happened?

Are you in a bad mood? 

 Why aren’t you talking to me?” 

 This gets the door slammed faster than almost anything.

If I want to connect yet feel the wall being erected, I will tell her about something that happened to me that day, something rather banal that is not full of subtext.

Even something as benign as “I got my hair cut today” might be met with “You hate my hair! Why are you always judging me?”

Today I found the prettiest flowers at the market. Today I read a funny article online.

Say something upbeat, not about them, neutral and not open for misinterpretation.

Be in the moment, it’s usually where they are most of the time.   “When I was your age I felt…“is heard as a lecture. 

All you will get back is “I don’t need a lecture.” Slam.

The other thing that I have found really works is to do nothing but just be there. It’s hard, as parents we want to connect – we miss that little koala bear attached to our hip, and truth be told they miss it too which is partially why they are so aggressive at times.

They want you and don’t want you and hate the fact they want you and hate the fact they need you while they don’t want to need you.

So when I’m feeling that way, I sometimes just go in her room — after I ask if it’s OK; privacy is everything at this age.  

I bring my laptop and just hang out with her; saying nothing, just being there, amusing myself and asking for nothing in return from her. 

I’m giving her the message that I’m here if you want me, we don’t have to talk. Then the most amazing thing happens — she starts chatting up a storm.

We’re connecting because I haven’t demanded it. And when that happens, it feels like Mother’s Day no matter what day it is.

The good news is: it is a phase and they do come out of it.  And from what I hear, you get years of laughs and jokes at everybody’s expense – especially on the holidays.

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Source: Drug Free

 

 

Editor’s Note: We would like to know what you think. dan@goldcoaschronicle.com