Garry Marshall vs. Lori Marshall: On Tattoos

by Garry and Lori Marshall
May 11, 2009
 

Mom wants to become a marked woman. Pop’s not big on branding.

MOM LORI: I want to get a tattoo. 

POP GARRY: What? Just out of the blue. Like shazam. You woke up this morning and decided you wanted a skull and crossbones on your triceps?

MOM LORI: It’s not out of the blue. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and I’m ready. I want to get one when I’m officially divorced.

POP GARRY: That’s odd.

MOM LORI: What’s odd about it? I was married for 20 years. My life is about to change significantly. And when I finally get the official divorce papers, I think there should be some outwardly visible sign of change to commemorate it.

POP GARRY: Then you won’t be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

MOM LORI: I’m not Jewish.

POP GARRY: But what if your second marriage is to a Jewish man? He’ll be buried in a nice plot and you’ll be shipped out to the boondocks where they bury the people with the tattoos.

MOM LORI: I’m sure there are many famous tattooed people in the boondocks.

POP GARRY: But there are so many other reasons not to get all tatted up. Isn’t that the phrase the young kids use now? Tatted up?

MOM LORI: Your teenage grandkids say “inked.”

POP GARRY: Okay, inked, schminked.

MOM LORI: So what are other reasons not to do it?

POP GARRY: Think of some of the people who have tattoos. They are named Crash and Smash and make their homes in prisons like San Quentin or in the NFL or the NBA.

MOM LORI: That’s so stereotypical, Dad. Many very nice people have tattoos.

POP GARRY: For example?

MOM LORI: Angelina and Brad.

POP GARRY: They have tattoos? I thought they had lots of children.

MOM LORI: And tattoos.

POP GARRY: But what about regular people. Do you have friends with tattoos?

MOM LORI: Sure. My friend Katie who runs a big company gets one every year on her birthday.

POP GARRY: Big? Small? Or Scary?

MOM LORI: Various. And my friend Sue is a teacher and she has a tattoo.

POP GARRY: Sue with a tattoo? Sounds like a musical.

MOM LORI: And neither woman has served time in prison. So what’s the big deal?

POP GARRY: One word: Sagging.

MOM LORI: Ewww. What does that mean?

POP GARRY: Say you get a butterfly on your arm.

MOM LORI: Say I do.

POP GARRY: The day you get the butterfly it will look colorful and perky and cute. Just the way you want it to be.

MOM LORI: Sweet!

POP GARRY: But then by the time you hit 80 years old, it will look like a butterfly that’s been run over by a hybrid SUV.

MOM LORI: Gross. But why a hybrid?

POP GARRY: I like all my stories to be environmentally green. So back to your tattoo. If you get one and then try to years later go online and date seniors they’re not going to like your sagging butterfly.

MOM LORI: Good point. Got any others?

POP GARRY: Would you let either one of your 13-year-old twin daughters get a tattoo?

MOM LORI: Absolutely not.

POP GARRY: Why not?

MOM LORI: They are too young to get something that will be on their body for the rest of their lives.

POP GARRY: Knowing Charlotte, she would want a tattoo of Hugh Laurie from House, complete with the cane. You know how much she loves that show.

MOM LORI: See, it comes back to the time problem. Back in the day, I would have loved a tattoo of Rick Springfield from General Hospital, but now I would want it removed.

POP GARRY: So we’ve established that a tattoo is not the right thing for a kid.

MOM LORI: No. But it’s my body and I am an adult.

POP GARRY: What about body piercing?

MOM LORI: Dad!

POP GARRY: What?

MOM LORI: Are you suggesting that I should get a belly button ring over a tattoo?

POP GARRY: Or a nose ring.

MOM LORI: A nose ring?! Impossible. I sneeze a lot. That would be painful during allergy season.

POP GARRY: How about another hole in your ear? An extra earring?

MOM LORI: Doesn’t that seem so pedestrian?

POP GARRY: Pedestrian is mixing black and blue in your wardrobe. I think a third hole would be something unique.

MOM LORI: Well …

POP GARRY: Are you thinking it over?

MOM LORI: No. My computer just froze.

POP GARRY: I’ll wait.

MOM LORI: Maybe I should just buy myself a nice new pair of earrings to commemorate the divorce.

POP GARRY: Right. And years from now when you are at the old people’s home and three holes is out of vogue – you can just let one close up.

MOM LORI: I think you might be right. Less invasive and less permanent than a tattoo. Or a nose ring.

POP GARRY: Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the henna tattoo. Something that’s festive and fun, but can be washed off so you don’t look like you’re in the Navy for the rest of your life.

MOM LORI: A good plan. Thanks, Dad.

POP GARRY: Enough about you. Let’s talk about me. Should I get transplants?

MOM LORI: No. Your hair is fine.

POP GARRY: I meant implants.

MOM LORI: What???

POP GARRY: For my teeth. Should I get them?

MOM LORI: Oh, that’s what you mean? No. No implants, no transplants.

POP GARRY: Maybe I should stick to just plants. You know how much I love gardening.

MOM LORI: Much safer. And again, not permanent.

POP GARRY: Oh, that reminds me. Your mother’s getting a permanent today. I have to run and pick her up at the beauty parlor.

MOM LORI: You better hurry. I hear they’ve started doing tattoos there as well.

The debates continue, when these two argue over gardening. Also, read how our columnist, Beverly Beckham, discovered her friend’s tattoo.

Source: Grand Parents