Granddaughter Is Scared of Bees

by Susan Stiffelman
August 7, 2009

A grandmother seeks help for a little girl who won’t stay outside when bees are about.

My 9-year-old granddaughter is terrified of bees. She loves to swim, but will run in the house screaming and crying if she sees a bee. We’ve all tried to reason with her, but it hasn’t helped. She seems well-adjusted in every other way. I would be grateful for your advice.

So you have a bee in your bonnet about your granddaughter’s phobia? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) A child’s phobias can be immensely frustrating. In my long career working with children who sometimes have irrational fears, I’ve learned that reasoning does not help. In fact, it can make things worse.

Here’s why:

The left side of our brain is responsible for logic, language, and rational thought. It’s wonderful at taking in information and integrating it into new learning. If your granddaughter was “in” her left brain when she saw a bee, she would be able to process the reassuring words you offered — “Bees don’t sting unless they’re provoked,” or, “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it” — and move past her anxiety immediately.

The problem is, when she is gripped by irrational fear, she is entirely “in” her right brain where she is unable to process whatever rational, reassuring things you say. Coming at her with reason and logic will only escalate her distress, and yours.

• Be caring without fueling the drama. If she sees a bee and panics, stay relaxed and calm. Allow her to run into the house without making a fuss or creating a scene. If you insist that she stay outdoors when she feels such a desperate need to go in, you’ll be jeopardizing your authority.

• Wait for a calm moment when the danger has passed to ask her to tell you about her fear, and how she feels when she spots a bee. Ask, “What is it like for you when you see one? What do you think might happen?” When she begins to talk, don’t interrupt or try to correct her. Just say sympathetic things that will encourage her to continue, like, “That does sound scary.” Your empathy can help lessen the intensity of her fear.

• Take her seriously. She will not be receptive to your advice if she feels you’re minimizing her fear. But if she feels you’ve listened and understood, and she’s had some time to calm down, she’ll listen to your suggestions. Offer to share your ideas for dealing with her fear so she can have lots of fun outdoors with the rest of the family.

• Suggest small, measurable steps you’re sure she can handle, to help desensitize her to her fear. For example, start with staying outside for 10 or 20 seconds after she spots a bee. As she’s able to stretch the time she stays outside with a bee around, hopefully some of her anxiety will relax.

• Teach her to assign a number to her level of fear — 1 for okay, 10 for terrified. Have her announce what number she’s at on the scale while she’s outside — first, when she’s across the yard from a bee, then, when she’s closer. In part, this will make her anxiety, feel more like a game, but more important, being asked to keep thinking and evaluating will turn up the volume on her left brain, helping her remain rational even if there are bees around.

• When things calm down, try doing a project together that will help make bees less terrifying. Check out library books, watch videos, or read information online about bee societies, their amazing dances, or their fascinating communication strategies. Bees may become more interesting when she learns that their wings beat 11,400 times per minute, or that, in her lifetime, a worker bee will produce 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey.

Sticking by your granddaughter’s side, keeping her calm, letting her express her anxiety without judgment, and creating baby steps toward success, you’ll help desensitize her from her phobia. If all goes well, soon you may have to drag her out of the pool to come back inside!

Editor’s Note: Susan Stiffelman is a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). She has become a source of advice and support for parents and grandparents through her private practice, public presentations, and website. You can find more articles at susanstiffelman.com.

We would like to know what you think? dan@youngchronicle.com